Diane Gets Railed/Diane Prende Les Rails

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

LAST UPDATED: 2025.09.14 @ 12:13

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

/-------------\

|SAN DIEGO, CA|

\-------------/

2025.08.04 @ 02:11 Check again later :3

2025.08.06 @ 13:30 I've made it to the first station: Santa Fe Depot! My home station <3: first train I ever took was from Santa Fe Depot to San Juan Capistrano on a field trip when I was the tender age of nine. I feel at peace, waiting on a bench, pew-like,looking West toward a glimpse of the San Diego Bay. The slight draft in the early August air is sweet, gently swaying the palms to & fro. I feel like I'm back in the womb... I cried & held my mother this morning while we shared coffee.

/-----------------\

|PACIFIC SURFLINER|

\-----------------/

2025.08.06 @ 14:01 We are moving!!!

2025.08.06 @ 14:29 How did I get here? I simply (finally!) followed my heart. It started perhaps in May. I found a new track (ten years old lol) called "Dresses" by Octo Octa. I think it came on my Spotify smart shuffle (thanks, Misterchicity!) while I was getting dolled up. It's a completely unremarkable piece of music. It achieves nothing out of the ordinary, but was the sound of pure, confident, serene bliss & tenderness. Flowers blooming. First rays of sun on a Winter's dawn. A cutie smiling back :3 It made me feel free to be my purest self, whatever that means. I mean, it truly relaxes me. So I had to put my razor down & see the title. "Odd," I thought. "Who would assign such significance..."—An interruption: I'm getting the last best glimpse of the Pacific for some time. Sigh—"...such significance to that word, Dresses?" The song transported me to the sensation of first wearing a dress. So I wondered, and my suspicions were correct! Octo Octa is also a trans woman :) So, I decided I deserved to enjoy things & looked up her dates. All her tour dates looked like Europe until 8/22, but "System Activate?" That caught my eye. I never really raved, but this looks like as good as it gets.

2025.08.06 @ 14:56 Passing Oceanside. Bye, Wrex. I'm never meeting you, psycho <3

2025.08.06 @ 15:12 I'm still gazing at the Pacific, not because I truly want to, but because I'd feel guilt if I didn't try to fall in love with it. I grew up in its waters, but had little to no appetite to visit the beach as an adult. Am I a bad pisces? My mom loves the Pacific: The Olympic Peninsula, Hawaii, Oregon, &c. I...perhaps I'm a good pisces, but I'm just riparian. I love being by a river, like Chicago. Rivers give the sensation of purpose; oceans communicate an abyss to me.

2025.08.06 @ 15:20 The tracks go a dozen feet from the mighty Pacific! Someone on the beach waved & that felt nice :)

2025.08.06 @ 15:32 Bye, Pacific~<3 It was a very sweet start to this trip.

/---------------------\

|TEXAS EAGLE, PART ONE|

\---------------------/

2025.08.06 @ 16:21 Getting hungry... Only had shrimp today at 04:00! Ate until I felt sick but now, thirteen hours later, I'm craving something cheap & greasy. I have enough time to follow my stomach around Chinatown. Texas Eagle's in five hours.

2025.08.06 @ 19:26 I see two pigeons in the "Departures" waiting area. What grimy lovebirds <3 There is a portly churl opposite me talking about returning to New Orleans on the phone. I hope we're not on the same car en route to Texas. I'm early. Texas Eagle's supposed to leave at 22:00 yet no info's even on the board. Double-checking my reservations now.

2025.08.06 @ 20:44 All good. Got my trips to NYC printed, seat to AUS assigned. Luckily, I got both a window seat & a sort of ideal traveling companion: the guy next to me is a cute, young Mexican who speaks no English & Is riding the whole way to Chicago! At least sixty-two hours, the poor soul... I shouldn't be perturbed! I offered to switch seats with him so he could sleep while I dart in & out of aisles and march to the lounge car like the maniac that I am. Unlike the Pacific Surfliner, the seats in this bad boy have cushy leg rests like a dentist's chair! And they really recline! Hell yeah! Can't wait to fall asleep in the desert. But for the next few hours, coffee & reading :)

2025.08.06 @ 22:17 Cafe closes at 22:30 but the conductor didn't finish checking my ticket until 22:12; that's a short window to get more coffee so I stay up to see my origin pass by the window in the Coachella Valley :) The lounge car is so nice! Oh my God! Coach was chatty as hell! But the L Car has almost no one in it!

2025.08.07 @ 00:05 Just saluted Mt. San Jacinto. It's been way too long since I've been to the summit.

2025.08.07 @ 00:21 Maybe that massive, dark lump in the distance wasn't Mt. San Jacinto. Just passed a 'Welcome to Banning' sign.

2025.08.07 @ 00:28 Passing Morongo (what a name!) now. Just remembered that trail mix my ma got me <3 Getting hungry again.

2025.08.07 @ 00:45 There it is! Saluted Mt. San Jacinto for real this time.

2025.08.07 @ 00:50 We just stopped in Palm Springs, the last station in California. Goodbye, nonni! I'm very regretful I didn't see them since late January. I don't know when I'll see them again. I think about them every day :( I need to call nonna soon! The station has little sand dunes accumulating around the benches &c. Wow. Hope the wind outside doesn't get worse.

2025.08.07 @ 01:05 Just waved at the family business in passing. Put my hand over my heart & nearly cried. Now the journey really begins. I visited Tucson once briefly, years ago to drop off a cousin. Other than that, everything between Palm Springs to Tucson & Tucson to Chicago is new to me.

2025.08.07 @ 03:17 Train's slowing down. We're not in California anymore... The cops at Yuma Station look like La Migra. Kevlar?

2025.08.07 @ 08:16 Not two minutes after I—oh thank God, we're moving!—got back to my seat to find my neighbor awake, I try to finally get some rest when Tucson PD greets us. I didn't see them talk to anyone else at first, but they paid particular attention to my neighbor. He didn't understand their probing questions, so they asked me if I knew him. The one cop asked the other, "Did he pay cash? Was he the one?" My mind raced; I paid cash for my USA Rail Pass... He asked "Are you traveling as <legal name>?" I insisted, "I am <legal name>." The Immigration & Customs Enforcement ancillary goon asked me to produce identification, & I obliged. The only one in my possession, a Canadian passport, changed his tone. I wasn't sure if it would pique his suspicion or dissuade him from dragging me to some hellhole and begin to unravel my life. Perhaps they were told to lay off the Canadians. That was a close one!

2025.08.07 @ 15:40 Slept on & off. We're stopped in El Paso now. My first steps in Texas were to buy a $3 burrito from Juanita, the enterprising burrito lady who was waiting for us on the platform, & one of her $3 large sprites :) It was fucking great for $3. Spicy, too. Ella & Misterchicity are checking up with me for updates & it's sweet. I love them <3

2025.08.08 @ 02:37 I got a twenty ounce ice water at the Starbucks in Los Angeles' Union Station. I still have approximately a third in my canteen. Only had two coffees on the train in California & Arizona plus that sprite from Juanita. Only ate those couple dozen shrimp the morning before leaving, the kung pao chicken at Full Moon House with a cup of rice, & that burrito. I prefer to travel vast distances dehydrated & while fasting. Makes everything easier in my opinion. My body knows what's up & has numbed my bowels or something. I haven't emptied them since home in San Diego. Back to resting :)

2025.08.08 @ 08:30 Made friends on the cafe car. Some sandy beatnik type said "Look, I emptied out a cigarette to fill my weed in it." Ah. That's whose bag smelled like skunk downstairs. Damned goons fuck with me & not him?! Where'd he get on? I tell him weed's illegal in Texas, "Like, cocaine illegal." He's surprised yet offers to sell me some right there in the cafe car. I protest, "No! What the fuck?! Here?! What'd I just tell you!" And he calms down. An older woman & myself bond over recipes. I show her my biscuits & gravy, my seafood boil, my salmon... She tells me she left skid row & is heading back home to be taken care of by family in Dallas on account of having Alzheimer's. Yikes. Traveling alone from Los Angeles to Dallas with cognitive decline? I tell her I'm also traveling, much further, because I don't want to chance my medicine to be interrupted. She asks what medicine I need and I tap the trans flag sticker on my laptop. A silence pours over us. I wonder if she's deeply uncomfortable when she interjects, "...You're a veteran?!" I cannot contain my laughter. Fucking Texas, yo.

/----------\

|AUSTIN, TX|

\----------/

2025.08.10 @ 08:10 Profound time with Ella. Arrived at her apartment at 10:00 on Friday. We hung for twenty-one hours before resting four. Then another twenty-one hour hang. It was superlatively intellectual, emotional, & spiritual. An unexpected, resounding effusion of raw communication. She has witnessed my soul. I think I shared more about my life with her than anyone else. I'm forever grateful for her invitation, her Southern hospitality, & her ear. Ella, I am so happy to be a chapter—however brief—in each other's stories <3

2025.08.10 @ 09:28 I miss my friend, Paris. Wish I managed my time better so I could have left her a handwritten note on her doorside table & wedged a fresh rose from the garden in her address placard like she likes... :'(

2025.08.11 @ 04:20 Ella rules; She lets me stay up all night with her projector (love 'jectors & 'jector culture) while she slumbers. I'll crash on the train later. I have many hours before the world's best game of SimCity 4: Chicago!

2025.08.11 @ 05:50 I need to ask her what her top films are for aesthetics & ennui. My vote for aesthetics was my invaluable friend David's favorite film that he showed me a month ago, Tom Ford's "A Single Man," just a stunning visual feast. Every frame is drop-dead gorgeous. I found myself staring agape at the way the shadows hit the towels behind the protagonist when he was in the bathroom, little things like that—things you didn't know you could enjoy. My choice for ennui is the classic, "The Battle of Algiers". Ella's choices are "Revanche" & "Mouchette," respectively. I owe it to her to watch them with all the focus I can muster. I drew our chess game in my diary so we could continue at a later date. Coached her well. She took my queen first! <3

/---------------------\

|TEXAS EAGLE, PART TWO|

\---------------------/

2025.08.11 @ 19:21 At Longview, TX. Hope nobody sits next to me... Success! I've been napping on & off since Austin! ~9 hours! :)

2025.08.12 @ 00:42 Commotion. Stopped in Malvern, AR. Heard a bag fall. Men fighting!!! White guy yelling downstairs: "The fuck you gon' do! Help! All them n-----s on me! Help! All these black bitches on me!" Another voice, "Keep running your mouth, I'ma finish you off for 'em." Fighting. Thunder. "I'll fuck you all up! Get the fuck off me! I got five black n-----s on me right now! I'll skin that off you! Get the fuck off me, ho! Bitch!" Thunder again. "Help! They're beating a white boy!" Thunder & lightning. It's quieter now. My guess is some tweaker tried to board. Guard said "You ain't gettin' on!" before all this commenced. Sherman didn't march far enough in my opinion. Amtrak folks pinned him long enough & a cop got his ass.

2025.08.12 @ 01:18 Moving again, three hours behind schedule. Most entertaining delay yet. Gonna try grooming my nails to calm down.

2025.08.12 @ 02:34 🎵 The president's a pedophile / This country's going out of style / I'll only be here for a while / That's why you see see me with a smile :) 🎵

2025.08.12 @ 07:21 Actually slept! Three hours? Good! On top of all the naps yesterday, I'll be okay. Still having these sales in the cafe car. Yesterday I had two hotdogs for lunch, then two muffins at dusk, now a sausage egg & cheese bagel sandwich ($3 off) & a black coffee. The frequent Murder Capital of the USA: St. Louis, Missouri! I look forward to seeing the Mississippi from the window...

2025.08.12 @ 07:53 The Mighty Mississippi... Gorgeous! Yeah, I like rivers more than oceans. So calm this morning... Thank you, Rachel! Thanks for announcing it on the intercom! Time for a mimosa. Delicious!

2025.08.12 @ 08:10 Ha! Discussed last night's commotion with other passengers from the lounge car. Talking about delays & reimbursements.

2025.08.12 @ 08:23 "I've seen some wild shit in that station." "St. Louis don't play!" Talking about stoners, drunks, lotteries... "Don't go to jail in Texas. My pastor prosecuted me!" Met Abigail. She's a nice young lady from Texas (Dallas, I think she said?). An ex-con's extolling the job market up here in "The North." Silly me, I forget Missouri is considered the Midwest. I thought this was my last stop in the South, but I guess that would've been Walnut Ridge, AR. Happy that this guy (with an "I love squirters" t-shirt) found $30/hr employment and seems to be getting a tad out of trouble. He says, "People are quick to profile, but jobs aren't." An older gentleman said the commotion last night was from some guy that was drunk that boarded at Texarkana and made trouble on his way off the train. Gave Abigail my semi-secret & headed back to update the blog.

2025.08.12 @ 08:48 Finally hit St. Louis. It's gonna be a good day in Chicago. I can feel it :)

2025.08.12 @ 10:07 I can see the arch :)

2025.08.12 @ 10:26 Crossed the Mississippi now. In Illinois, finally! Misterchicity, here I come!

2025.08.12 @ 14:16 Just saw a Mennonite or Amish family. I saw one back in Texas, too. No way it's the same one...

2025.08.12 @ 14:25 It's been raining on & off for hours. Hoped it lightens up closer to Chicago, but it's storming fierce right now. I'm such a Southern Californian ditz, I forgot my—no, I neglected to even consider packing an umbrella. Forecast says today should be the only rain during my stay. Still, this humbles me. We're not in the Southwest anymore. There's actually weather.

/-----------\

|CHICAGO, IL|

\-----------/

2025.08.13 @ 03:56 Walked to Griddle 24 from the hostel. Couldn't sleep. My BLT arrived quickly, but the front door of an ostensibly 24-hour business is locked. An employee, clearly visible from his seat, eyes me repeatedly & indifferently... The hood chicks next to me are hassling the poor waiter: "She didn't like her omelette." "She almost finished it..." "But it ain't seasoned." "There's salt & pepper on it." "But there's no seasoning in it. It tastes like cilantro." "We don't put cilantro on it..." Petulant as hell. They're gone. So, today was tougher than expected. Got into the lobby of Union Station at precisely 16:20. That nasty thunderstorm announced my arrival with a double rainbow over Lake Michigan. Ah, my pecan pie à la mode has arrived. Goes well with a third cup of black coffee. See, I have to stay up all night because I think after I left the station in the rain & darted for Quincy Station, I might've suffered a mild concussion. I guess that's misinformation? Some jackass mindlessly drifted to the middle of the sidewalk (under his umbrella, carelessly texting). I swerved to avoid him, but I lost my balance because I have no experience with running under the overstuffed, perhaps sixty pounds pack. Took a spill on my right side so fast. I think I fell on my knee first. Got two emphatic scrapes (hooray for tights! those'll hide 'em!), some road rash inside my forearm closest to the elbow. Hit my head really hard, too... It lumped up :( My only masc clothes were torn further, soaked, and bloody at the right knee. They were already organically torn in numerous places at both knees. Now, with the blood, it looked desperately wicked. This delayed me from reuniting with Misterchicity at the time he wanted. Unfortunately, he'd have to wait. I dashed to the hostel across the loop and after a quarter hour, I frantically checked in. They threw me a towel & I paid for five nights. Feeling rushed to meet Misterchicity, I bolted to the elevators. I swear at the pain when a young man walked by. He looked at me & said "me too!" I was confused about that. He was quick in the stairs & I met him again on the third floor. He asked me if I was staying in the corner & I said yes. We'd be in the same room, according to him. No bother, nice to meet you, Mark. I went in while he went down the hall & chatted up some girl, I think. I wasted no time in going to my bunk, sliding my suitcase & pack under the bed, & stripping to the bloody bone. I wrapped the decade-old Mexican blanket I got in Tijuana around my tender frame, hiding breasts but letting my sanguine knee breath. Two big, red spots the size of half dollars. Ouchie. I had some branded Amtrak napkins in my pocket still from the cafe car on the Texas Eagle (you rule, Rachel!) that I used to rub antibiotic on the wounds. Matt came in at that time, at my most vulnerable: naked, bleeding, sore, soaked, on the floor, scrambling for medicine... He was so curious, despite the Heineken in his hand. Humorously, he questioned aloud as he climbed the ladder to his top bunk, "How am I going to do this blackout drunk?" I asked him from the floor why he was drinking. College stress, some project. I couldn't care. Computer science. Nerd shit. My understanding of computers ends where software begins. I'll pick his brain later. He attempted to explain his tribulation regarding machine learning or AI while talking down to me (literally). He wondered what I was doing & I tried to explain without being explicit. He guessed correctly, that I'm trans, but the wrong direction! He wasn't familiar with biology, so he didn't register what "I have eight months of estrogen on me" meant. When I explained everything was still fresh (5.5 months on HRT) & that I needed to wait until I moved to Montreal before commencing hair removal treatments, starting with the neck/face, Mark blurted out "Why the face? Keep the hair!" Had to explain more. "Oh... so... don't put any of that stuff in my water!" he joked, nervously. Others entered the room & divided his attention. I changed, shaved well for such haste, & met Misterchicity outside to grab his work backpack so we could go to dinner unencumbered. The darling heard of my tumble & brought me an umbrella. We went to Roanoke for crispy brussels sprouts, meatballs in sauce with ricotta, ribeye chili, & split a hamburger. Then I got hungry later, after Misterchicity left, so I got a medley of snacks. Ate them sheepishly in my bunk, right below Mark. I forgot to mention earlier, when we were figuring each other out while I was cleaning my wounds on the floor, a Polish guy Mark's age woke up. they chatted about tech problems he was having in his machine learning before he asked how old I was. I said, "Certainly older than you. What are you, 23? 22?" "21," he proclaimed. I compelled him to guess my age. The pole, Carl, looked onward with anticipation. "26? Mark asserted. "32," I revealed. Both of them lost their breath. I laughed with belly mirth. "The estrogen must be working!" I joked. Misterchicity said I might have a mild concussion. Regardless, I'm so stoked to be in Chicago & traveling solo, not to mention being surrounded by intellectual, young European men. Mark is German/Russian and sounds like it.

2025.08.13 @ 05:43 Day's coming up. I've been sipping coffee for nearly two hours now. Time to get flip flops for the shower, some shampoo, & some conditioner. The morning people emergeth. Need to shower before it's crowded. Haven't showered since Carly's in Austin two days ago! Bleh!!! Must get things when the Target on State St. opens...

2025.08.13 @ 06:04 The birth of a new day... :)

2025.08.13 @ 16:20 Twenty-four hours since I've arrived. Sleep? Zero hours I woke up in Missouri yesterday around 08:00 & have been up since despite trying to sleep twice. I just really fucking love Chicago. So excited to be here on my own but it's way too warm to strut my usual strut... Some Chinese guy showed up to the room four hours ago & I just gave him a high life a moment ago because I found a place having a sale for $8.25 for a twelve pack after tax. Gonna take advantage of this. I opened one for him but it started overflowing due to muh premium strut. I chugged it. I get him another one but this time gave him hella napkins because that's called respecting your elders in my opinion. The dude at Mr. Beef, immediately before Binny's, recognized me. "Where have you been?" "San Diego." "I love San Diego." "I'm moving to Montreal," "I love Montreal, too." Mans remembered me 10 months later & time zones over. Maybe I am special????

2025.08.13 @ 16:33 Just arrange an impromptu hang with Soph & Victoria!!! <3

23:41 I think I made a terrible first impression with Soph in my opinion. I was drunk, confused, tired, & perhaps irritable. Mania: I ugh. I'm beyond tired. Time to attempt sleep... again :(

2025.08.14 @ 10:45 Finally! Rest! Need to chill today., pick up those provisions at REI, meet Misterchicity again.

2025.08.14 @ 11:04 I feel like pulverized shit. That wicked spill I took upon leaving the train station is really hurting now... How the fuck did I stay up for 40 hours on nothing but high lifes, coffee, and a few hits from Misterchicity's penjamin... Gotta get ready now. Meeting him later for a suburban adventure (TM).

2025.08.14 @ 15:15 Tried taking a train toward Mr. beef because I'm a sucker for boisterous wops that honor cashsish. Man served me with the quickness & had that shit ready. I told myself I'd go every day I could but I'll get more tomorrow to make up for it. Following Misterchicity's plan. getting off by his eye doctor in a bit. Wearing my DKNY black dress with abstract white & puce spots, my vintage pearl/gold necklace & matching earrings with nude tights, Sam Edelman ballet flats, and my usual accessories.

2025.08.15 @ 15:25 Walked to Misterchicity's eye doctor from Illinois Medical District Station. These CTA trains go fucking fast. Thought it would be way longer. The three day pass on my new Ventra card should suffice until I make my way back to Union Station for the Lakeshore Limited on Sunday. My shoulder/neck is screaming at me. This has been the longest without cannabis in a very long time. Also haven't been able to sauna my usual 25-50 minutes since leaving AquaVie back in July :( I'm fucked up, battered. Ow... Fuck that asshole taking up the whole goddamned sidewalk in the rain... I need to heal before I'm stuck on a train for twenty-one plus hours. That'll really fuck my shoulder/neck up.

2025.08.14 @ 16:02 Examining the petite musician at the ground floor of the Hyatt in the Illinois Medical District. Love it. European immigrants trained n in ancient styles expressing themselves, their societies, and articulating space in a virtuoso-like way... all else seems pathetic. The hospital, Cook County Hospital, looks like a marvelously successful despot's palace & not like anything pedestrians would be permitted to enter... My God, the facade.

2025.08.14 @ 16:30 On the 755 bus, leaving Misterchicity's work. Time for a Suburban Adventure (TM). Tried teaching me mancala; it's not my bag.

2025.08.14 @ 18:05 Finally got to his car & got a drew after work. I got the Black & Tan. He got the What-a-Melon, a sour, fruited gose. He was nice enough to give me a penjamin :) That'll help with the shoulder. The guy next to us sounds juuust like Joe Pesci lol. welcome to Plainfield :)

2025.08.14 @ 19:06 We're wine tasting right now :) <ADD WINE TASTING NOTES>. "The Founder", it's on Netflix.

2025.08.14 @ 23:23 Just saw an ad on the Red Line to rent clothes. Is it that bad right now?

2025.08.14 @ 00:53 A man just stepped off the Northbound Red Line at Jackson & verbally assaulted me...

02:00 Finally back at the hostel, resting. I played chess finally with Carl. He beat me. Then I beat him twice at pool; one the real way & once he sunk the eight ball prematurely. He witnessed me successfully hop a ball & sink the one in a side pocket :) After the winery, Misterchicity took me to REI to get my provisions: a rain jacket, a mat for the front of my tent, a lantern, a headlamp, & many vittles.

2025.08.15 @ 02:00 Provisions for my four day food supply: thirteen meal bars (wholeberry blast, superfood slam, superberry & greens, peanut butter), four banana cacao fruit jerkies, four fatty meat sticks (jalapeno), two cans of salmon (smoked), two cans of salmon (pastrami spice), two tins of mussels (lemon/herb), two tins of sardines (tomato sauce), two tins of sardines (corn & salsa), two tins of sardines (coconut curry), two tins of mackerel (smoked), two tins of mackerel (roasted garlic). 8690 Calories altogether now.

2025.08.15 @ 04:00 Finished breaking down my stash of food. Need more carbs & protein...

2025.08.15 @ 05:32 Anyway, couldn't sleep (again) so I took a shower & shaved. Feel cuddly in the ribbed cotton tights with the blue t-shirt dress & big, grey cashmere shawl with chunk tassels. The damned Cuban cafe attached to the hostel doesn't open until 08:00. Mr. Beef's at 10:00/ Art Institute at 11:00/ Federal Reserve Money Museum opens at 10:00 also but I'd rather hit AI. Never mind. Not for $40. Federal reserve it is. 2305 LaSalle St.

2025.08.15 @ 06:02 More about yesterday: Misterchicity showed me his routine. The bus ride from near his work back to his car & then neighborhood. After we went to that brewery in Plainfield, he showed me the park where he walks his dog & it was vast & lovely. Someone was even fishing. Then that wine tasting <3 My errand to fetch the provisions. Finally, we had a sumptuous vegetarian Indian fest. Time to walk around after I fetch my shades from upstairs.

2025.08.15 @ 06:37 The sunrise over Lake Michigan is a kind wonder when it climbs over the clouds.

2025.08.15 @ 08:50 Just finished walking the whole loop!

2025.08.15 @ 14:15 Just left my new dangerous habit going to Mr. Beef for lunch & then Binny's for cheap brews. A twelve pack of PBR is $10.35 after tax. I tried the double hamburger at Mr. Beef. It was very good. Perfect charbroiling or whatever they do. I started with the invariable Italian beef, though. This time hot & sweet—BAPTIZED. That means they drench it au jus & it's basically a soft serve sandwich that has thirteen seconds before it completely disintegrates. Washed it all down with a fountain cherry Pepsi. The portly gentleman to my left was visiting for the first time. His cell phone conversation went like this: "Hold on, I'm gonna have to call you back;" he told the person who'd just interrupted his bovine bliss, "I just had a sandwich that changed my life." Indeed he did. It seduced me half the days I was here! I regret not going more.

2025.08.15 @ 15:35 Met Paul, the Englishman from Birmingham, as he dropped his stuff off in the room. He's here to watch some car races.

2025.08.16 @ 00:57 I desperately need to update the blog but I just keep living! Went out for more beer earlier (got on the Brown Line at Library) when Misterchicity rings & invites me to a Little India/Pakistan adventure! Fortuitously, I rode the thing to Kimball. Waited for him at Nighthawks & had the old man special: pint of old style with a shot of granddad. We got Mexican food after. & then I met his friend from Albany Park, Daniel. We got Indian deserts & played cutthroat at a mobbed up bar. Hell yeah. Thanks for the desert, Misterchicity, & thanks for the gin & tonic, Daniel! Loved seeing all the mobbed up cellphone repair places and a 24 Hour rice dealer. Wild.

2025.08.16 @ 01:01 Didn't have time to run to that hot dog stand on Roosevelt that Misterchicity recommended since they close at 01:00. I caught a Red Line to Harrison right on time to go see what the last hour of Boystown looks like... Meh.

2025.08.16 @ 01:41 Meh, indeed. The blocks around Belmont Station looked moribund or like straight people doing errands. I cannot find gas shit here off the cuff. I guess all the military homos in San Diego make it fucking easy to sustain gay bars. From what I've overheard, there's no dollhouse. That is utterly depressing. Not one space dedicated to the dolls in a vast metropolis. I've heard the same about NYC. Pathetic if true. The SRO is exceptional. I wish it wasn't so... Having a challenging time finding my habitat. Only seen two other dolls here all week... So fucking depressing. My head is sore & tender. I'm so lonely; If only I wasn't stuck in the past.... Some guy introduced himself to me in passing last night & I said "Howdy," back to him but he just kept walking. Sigh. Will NYC just be doubly disappointing? Probably. It'll be a Mon/Tue/Wed. Bleh. At least I'm going to race with a bunch of other freaks. Maybe someone there will have the courage or depravity to finally touch me. The last guy is probably dead by suicide :(

2025.08.16 @ 11:20 Another sweltering day. Love getting lost in the urbanity of it all, but its my last full day here. I'm going to get some brews at Binny's, a cooler with ice, & go back to the hostel to sort my shit out. There, when I'm confidently packed for checkout tomorrow, I'll try to salvage my time here & look up some gay shit to do, but my expectations are on the floor. Chicago's gay shit has underwhelmed me. Imagine getting off in Hillcrest but everyone looks like a College Area or South Park crowd. What the fuck. Where are the deranged homos??? I guess the superlative military presence back home subsidized the hell out of the gay shit, all those enlisted... Not that I ever knew 'em. Never touched a uniformed man(or woman for that matter). Wow. Board the Brown Line to Kimball & there're finally lezzies. They get off at Library before I can ask them where that shit is. Fucking sigh. Gotta fetch a toothbrush & razor blades as well as nail polish remover, cotton rounds...

2025.08.16 @ 11:40 Wowwww... Just walked by another doll on Lake. There are so few of us. She nodded at me, even stopped & turned around to get my attention after the crosswalk. There aren't so many of us...

2025.08.16 @ 12:36 I simply cannot get enough of being in the city. Riding the loop on an L is a high, watch the architecture go by... All my life I wondered why I crave to be outside yet not see the sky... <3

2025.08.16 @ 16:14 Just met Stanley, the Australian. Commonwealth in the house! He tells me night clubbers use amyl nitrate in Sydney, I'm dying! Never heard of straight people doing poppers before.

2025.08.16 @ 17:59 On the town, just boarded the Northbound Red Line. looking for gay shit! Let's give it the good ol' college try~

2025.08.16 @ 19:03 Moseyed into Charlie's. Saw a gang of girls in the alley o went back outside to check but the gang of girls was gone. They said the only other bar they recommend to me is Scarlet's.

2025.08.16 @ 19:19 What the fuck. The line dancing bar out on some square wave, lo-pass filter house shit. Chicago rules!!! Charlie's has mafia prices: $4 gin & tonics.

2025.08.18 @ 06:59 Got this pen from an Amtrak man—finally! So, after I got bored at Charlie's two days ago, I ended up getting lost as I'm wont to do in Chicago. I reemerged in Giordano's, to try deep dish pizza & it was fair, to be honest. Misterchicity met up with me again that night at G's before I had two slices. Took me to Jim's hot dog stand on Roosevelt by his old UIC dorms. Fuck. I could eat at Jim's twice a day. Good fucking Polish for under $7. Triple burger for under $10. To die for. We ate at some other UIC campus tables but got caught in the rain. I hit my head, again, in the same spot, marching mindlessly into some low-contrast, concrete decoration from some brutalist shit. I go home, with a freshly re-scraped knee as well. I'm all banged up. Sobbed to sleep, feeling stupid. The next day, I woke up & packed my shit for checkout. My pack grew heavier. It cuts off circulation in my arms & ankles... Not great. I was too cheap to pay to store my shit so I ended up lugging it & my petite suitcase all over the fucking loop and beyond (couldn't resist hitting Jim's again). Forgot my canteen & floor mat at the hostel, went back to retrieve them. I ran into Paul as I was finally, really leaving! He said after the MLS game he went to, he ended up at Charlie's, too, and didn't make it back until 07:00! Good lad; have a proper Saturday night, like! Anyway, I spent my last afternoon in Chicago going to a laundromat to wash & dry my Tijuana blanket, tank top, & flannel shirt. Barely made it to Union Station with an hour to spare before boarding the Lakeshore Limited. Waited in the Great Hall for maybe a half hour. I like to wait by the Amish; they're exotic to me. I'm used to hippy drug cults, coming from the California Coasts & Deserts... This Old World, dress-code cult shit is charming in passing. I enjoy overhearing their tongues. Finally in the sturdy embrace of a massive pew behind an Amish family or three, a little boy throws his toy tractor over to my side. I fetch it immediately & return it to him. I try to return it to his hand, gingerly, but his steamy paw clutches mine as I drop the toy tractor the size of a hot wheel in his hand. I suppose he threw the toy on purpose & wanted to play. Nope! Mom scolded him & put an end to that. Must've been bored of his fellow Amishlings. What a sight to passersby: Amish mingling with an androgynous gypsy character!

/-----------------\

|LAKESHORE LIMITED|

\-----------------/

2025.08.18 @ 06:59 Continued We begin boarding the train to New York at 21:00. Packed to the gills. Who told all these people about New York? :P I sit down next to a young man at the end of the coach car, in a handicapped spot (none other appear available). Then a meandering woman with a cane shoos us away moments later. I relocate next to an older, silver-haired curmudgeon of a man who possesses all the charm of a barnacle. Man seems exhausted, frustrated, but has the good form to slumber nigh immediately upon our departure (twenty minutes late). I update the approximately four days of journaling to this site since I lost my last pen & can't really function in the present moment without one. Thanks again, Mr. Amtrak! I fell asleep before 01:00. Woke up at 06:30 today, just in time for the cafe car. Got a black coffee & this pen:) A lady just complimented me on my penmanship. This scrawling?! <3 She said I seemed really cool & asked for socials. Told her I didn't have any, but gave her the site & its email. Whee!

2025.08.18 @ 08:09 Listening to James Brown's 'Papa Don't Take No Mess' & I'm feeling a renewed sense of swagger. I'll be in New York longer than I remembered: Check into some Americanized capsule hotel Monday night, check out Friday. Catch that ride up to Vermont with the others in Brooklyn. Freaks! I contacted a documentarian about being interviewed regarding attending System Activate but I just missed him. He's on his way up to Vermont presently to do some behind-the-scenes shit. I'll be in the city all week so let's actually try this time. I saw dolls in the wild around that laundromat yesterday, of course with two hours left in my stay. How I loathe contriving the congregations... Love spontaneous interactions. I'd be rolling a fat J for Jasmine & KC back in San Diego, looking like a menace on 5th Ave in Wanker's Hill. Oh, how I miss the SRO. A paradoxical tragedy that we don't know what we had until it's gone. This train is rough.

2025.08.18 @ 09:17 Took my 'mones at 09:11 like usual: never forget! This estrogen's for you, Cheney! I think a we're in New York state now. Saw a big buffalo statue at the last stop. I never did dip my hand in Lake Michigan... oops. Might not touch the Atlantic, either.

2025.08.18 @ 09:30 "Your mailbox is locked; Please contact your system manager. Goodbye!"Voicemails fucked. Sorry if I didn't return your calls. AT&T says I need a heap of shit to reset my voicemail. password (which I know). Must've locked myself out with fat fingers.

2025.08.18 @ 10:02 This Amish carpenter just had his age guessed in the cafe car. He's 55 or 56. Looks sixty plus. We can't all be Californian babes, I guess. People over here keep saying I look five plus years younger than I am <3 Just hit Rochester. Fascinating. I thought maybe I saw Mennonites on the train in Texas. This carpenter said he went to Mexico for medical tourism. He lost the fingers & thumb on his right hand & says he ain't taking any welfare from the government.

2025.08.18 @ 10:42 We're all friends in the cafe car. The carpenter, Uriah, the guy I say next to last night, Greg, & a woman from Suriname, Jennifer (she made over a million from the dotcom boom). Train people are fascinating :) Greg handed me a book about an industrial accident in Halifax a hundred & eight years ago. The lady from Suriname is a philanthropist & an adventurer. She has a condo in Cebu (the Philippines). Greg is getting Uriah & myself some coffee :)

2025.08.18 @ 11:17 Greg's a well of knowledge regarding linguistics. Said the first Jews in NYC fled the inquisition in Brazil & made it to New Amsterdam in the 1630s, around the same time as us Italians. He's talking about Pennsylvania Dutch with Uriah.

2025.08.18 @ 11:45 Look up Quaker Meeting House in Flushing, Queens. Flushing Remonstrance.

2025.08.18 @ 12:09 Jennifer complimented me on my watch, which she mistook for a Movado. The '87 Gucci strikes again! Her & the woman she was chatting with flattered me for my looks & said I could do modeling. I told them I did, uh, something like that sometimes...

2025.08.18 @ 13:19 Okay... Six hours from a business week in New York goddamned City & business is something I absolutely need to conduct. Have a plan to get a petite grip, third of a rack in a couple days... Loathe to resort to it, but bleh. The choices we make... Checking the weather now by System Activate. Woah. Weekend's looking like 55-79 with rain Sunday. Gonna need to cop a hoodie. Got it. Picking it up from the store later in the week. Now, let's scheme New York, New York...

2025.08.18 @ 14:05 Oh geez... I need to sort two important things what will the Canadian border guards do to my Rx? The rules don't make sense in my situation. Telling the authorities the truth. Email time... My suit case has: estradiol (estrogen), 480 pills at 2 mg each (240 day or ~eight month supply); spironolactone (testosterone blocker), 480 pills at 50 mg each (240 day or ~eight month supply); descovy & truvata (PrEP), 30 pills of the descovy, 90 of the truvata (doctor couldn't get descovy on short notice), so 120 pills, or a four month supply; naltrexone (to control drinking), 150 pills (five month supply). All more than the typically permitted three month supply, but none are controlled substances; all of them are in my name; all doctors prescribed them to me knowing I was moving abroad, &c. Emailing for clarification now.

2025.08.18 @ 14:25 Sent. Left Schenectady. Nonno called. He was very encouraging & expressed hope & admiration for me :) <3 Don't know what he heard, but it's lovely to hear. Okay, time to rest.

2025.08.18 @ 15:50 Albany was a great stop; got the station's last Financial Times & waked into town for a twelve inch Italian sub. I feel sane again. ALso took a few cheeky puffs. Also, after that call with Nonno, who greets me in Albany? One block up from the Amtrak station is a church with a corner garden guarded by none other than Padre Pio. Ciao, Nonno, in bocca al lupo <3

2025.08.18 @ 11:00 Jennifer, the woman from Suriname who has dosh, asked me for help with her phone as seniors are wont to do, and was stupefied by my meme phone. She pondered its features for a moment before leaning in & whispering to me, "So... what are you, boy or a girl?" and I blushed while telling her not to worry about it. Then she added that she thought I looked good and was "...very cute". I told her I'd be in Manhattan all week. "Not that much!" she laughed, shyly.

2025.08.18 @ 16:05 Now, about New York... Let's go over the recommendations:

Debbie from SRO (Oh, how I miss her so!)

-Walk the Brooklyn Bridge at night (magical)

-Ride the Staten Island Ferry to gaze at the Statue of Liberty

-Italian foo don Arthur Ave in the Bronx

-Club Escolita in Queens

-Greek food in Astoria

-Stonewall

-Bullet proof glass, hood ass Chinese food

-MoMA, Natural History Museum

-Jay-Z's favorite pizza in DUMBO

-Get a knish from a hotdog stand (Jewish)

-Get falafel from a hotdog stand (Not Jewish)

-United Nations

-Seafood in Sheepshead Bay

-Water taxi from Manhattan to Rockaway

-"Worst comes to worst," sleep on the A train to Far Rockaway

Angmar from the Internet Underground says do this tonight:

-Dance Clinic, 1271 Myrtle Ave

-Earthly Delights, 5738 Myrtle Ave

Need a metro card...

2025.08.18 @ 17:56 Fort Ord says Greg. Basic training for Korea & Vietnam. Shutdown in '92 or '93 because the Peace Dividend. Largest abandoned city in the United States.

/------------\

|NEW YORK, NY|

\------------/

2025.08.18 @ 21:18 Boarding the A train to Brooklyn for Ang's recommendations. Checked into the hostel with only a minor kerfuffle on account of not having a smart phone & adding Friday to my stay. The old Monday-Thursday reservation was still on the books. I see a 'Stop ✡' on a wooden bench at Columbus Circle Station.

2025.08.18 @ 22:32 So lost in Crown Heights. So many Hasidim. It's new to me. Wait for B44, get off at Myrtle; walk East to Myrtle Ave & Spencer St., get off at Evergreen Ave. Cross Straight, it's on the left side (North) of Myrtle;

2025.08.18 @ 23:43 Finally arrived at Bossa Nova Civic club! Love it, Ang <3 What a misty romp! It's August but it's cool & cloudy in here. The music I always wished they played back home!!! Ugh. Should've brought more dosh. Need to make moves tomorrow! This white label yerba mate spiked with vodka is exquisite. I don't want to ever have red bull again!

2025.08.19 @ 00:00 There are five solid 'No's on the wall by the door: "No Racism, No Sexism, No Homophobia, No Transphobia, No Violence," I'm coming back.

2025.08.19 @ 00:09 We have acid! Tyree's acid over!!! Good fucking remix of one of the best, moodiest piano solos of all time.

2025.08.19 @ 00:45 Left Bossa Nova.

2025.08.19 @ 00:58 Myrtle Ave Station: "Israeli Soldiers are war criminals," Wish I was here on a Saturday for Sephardic service. Another USPS graffiti. ''Israel killed 240 journalists to hide its war crimes."

2025.08.19 @ 01:04 On the J Train: Jamaica bound to Broad St. I'll walk up to my locker at Columbus Circle, get the rest of my dollars and enjoy a real city. I need food, inspiration, and a recharging of my batteries—literally; Lappy's at 14% & phone's at 47%.

2025.08.19 @ 01:20 I get off at Broad St. & start walking. The right way? We'll figure it out...

2025.08.19 @ 01:25 Woah. On Wall St. now & I see some hotdog carts still open.

2025.08.19 @ 01.27 Holy shit: The Devil Himself. I think I'm looking at the back of the NYSE right now on Nassau & Broad St.

2025.08.19 @ 01:32 In the suffocating heat all by myself at Wall St. Station, waiting what should be ten minutes for the Northbound #4 Train to Woodlawn. Getting off at Columbus Circle or wherever's nearest to muster more dosh! I want to stay up & see market open in real life! Today's FT has a ridiculous advert in the back: A man of white-haired age sitting with elegance & poise while a man of the same age stoops to serve him spirits or some wine in obsequiously embellished crystalware. The message? "Approved by your butler." Haughty horseshit.

2025.08.19 @ 01:43 Oh, fuck yeah! The #4 Train runs every 15 minutes even overnight. Fuck you, West Coast! Suck a car's dick! Stops right by me, too. These East Coast ugly motherfuckers are hilarious: an old married couple bickering for a half hour straight.

2025.08.19 @ 03:07 Ordering falafel from a halal cart like Debbie said.

2025.08.19 @ 03:25 Rode the D (heh) Train to Houston.

2025.08.19 @ 03:42 In Chicago, the L roars above your head. In New York, the subway growls beneath your feet.

2025.08.19 @ 04:09 I'm standing in front of the big, bad bull of Wall St.

2025.19.25 @ 13:35 Met a Chinese intern in the street. 6th Ave? "EARN $35, 30 MINS ~50 MINS, VOICE RECORDING, NEARBY STUDIO, READ 100 SHORT LINES, PAID VIA ZELLE/CASHAPP, AFTER REVIEW, ASK ME NOW, TEXT XXX-XXX-XXXX." To good to be true, I thought. Q'Yi leads me a couple blocks away while we exchange pleasantries. The studio is quite nice but there are technical difficulties with a server in Hong Kong. She's from the Northwest, edge of the desert. Huh. I'm also from the edge of the desert, but the Southwest. It's nice to charge my stuff here & relax in the fans.

2025.08.19 @ 18:09 Oh, Lord! Reunited & it feels so good! Forgot this journal in the stairwell exit of the recording studio. I walked to the 9/11 memorial after, cried, & walked to Stonewall,Inn to see my tribe's history. There, while regaling a Danish tourist named Ole & the barkeep, Carlos, with my tales, I realized I was not only bereft of either a pen or a camera, but also my notebook, too! I rushed back to the studio where Q'Yi was, & checked the stairwell exit. Nothing! Shit. Luckily, the building's super was down there, doing his rounds. He'd set it aside for me. Bless you, sir!!! Anyway, I read 100 lines for the Chinese AI project, got seven $5 bills (since I'm a cash only ho), and enjoyed Q'Yi's compliments. She recorded me using my phone to show her friends & said I was cute. It meant a lot, coming from a fellow cutie <3

2025.08.19 @ 18:23 Holy... advert on the #1 Train for a photo editing service: "Look like you had 8 hours of sleep." Jesus. Shit's fucked. Get me to Canada already!!!

2025.08.19 @ 21:40 Got dolled up & left the obnoxious hostel at 20:15. Ugh! Don't stay at Nap York! It's lame as fuck! Anyway, I get on a train downtown, then transfer at Canal St from the N to the J because for a moment, I want to return to Brooklyn. Then I remember I haven't eaten. I need to stop running around frantically & take care of myself. I love getting lost in the city, though. But I got lost in Chinatown when I got off at Essex & Delancey. Walked South on Bowery when I should've walked North of Canal. I figure it out, & just like San Francisco, the Chinese & my people are shoulder to shoulder. It makes it easier for us to steal the noodles, I suppose!If only Mexicans were next to us so we could pinch the tomatoes without reaching too far! I wandered eventually to the "WELCOME TO LITTLE ITALY" sign. There's a pizzeria that catches my eye, but, huge red flag: prices for slices aren't communicated on the menu. Bad sign. "$6, plus tax," he says. "Cool," I say as I two-step outta there! I saunter up to Casa Bella & see a dinner special: I choose the zucchini alla putanesca as the antipasta & a margherita pizza for the main course. House red is $10, the dinner (with a chocolate mousse) $is 24. Not bad, it seems, for this dense, ritzy hell. I miss Jim's & Mr. Beef, but I can't eat cheap beef every meal with 70 cent beer for desert. I really wish Debbie was here... Speaking of taking care of myself, I left tonight's 'mones in my sunglasses case which I left in my locker back at the hostel... Gonna find a Greek diner in Astoria after clubbing some more. The maître d' at this Italian place is so Italian looking he looks trans lol! The Furio hair, but highlighted like mine (photo bleached like mine?). Tight as fuck jeans, tight red, short sleeve shirt unbuttoned to show his chain. I ask him after the meal, "Di dove sei?" He says "Excuse me?" I repeat myself. "Di dove sei??" He still looks confused. His coworker, a waiter, interjects to help, "...Where are you from?" "Oh, Venezuela." Got my ass.

2025.08.19 @ 23:50 Cathedral of St. John the Divine (proddy), the Italian restaurant nearby the cathedral, Indian Fort, & Fort Tryon Park are recommended to me by a mathematics professor, Laurel.

2025.08.20 @ 02:04 I'm a gypsy thief in the night. Robbed a drunk 'tender for a gin & tonic (motherfucker's serving cocktails 300 feet from a subway station & thinks I ain't gonna bolt. What the fuck?) Stupid motherfucker. Love when I say I'll pay cash, reach for it, then they get distracted and forget.

2025.08.20 @ 02:40 Goddamn! I feel like a fuckin' gypsy! Headed to Brookyln on a whim after East Village. Take the J train, baby!

2025.08.20 @ 03:52 It's a right proper sweat box. Can't thank Ang enough. 1271 Myrtle Ave! Take the J Train!

2025.08.20 @ 08:04 Spent the last four hours mingling with Kate, a nice butch I met outside Bossa Nova at 04:00. Got breakfast at Tina's. They forgot about us so we didn't pay :)

2025.08.20 @ 08:20 Attempting to leave Bushwick on foot.

2025.08.20 @ 20:19 Woke up after much needed rest at 18:10. Not a solid eight hours (woke up twice to pee) but great rest nonetheless. I'm probably gonna take it easy tonight. It's raining, I don't have good shoes for that (Franco Sarto boots, three pairs of ballet flats, & some Merrill hiking boots). Waiting for the B Train to Broadway & Lafayette. Gotta pick up a hoodie from REI on 303 Lafayette. I could do it tomorrow, but I gotta run my shit & prep for the carpool Friday.

2025.08.20 @ 20:28 On the B. Cutting it close, but that's what killed surgeons & butchers do. I see a sign at the end of the car: "Train Crew's Cab, Please keep a safe social distance," with a cartoon conductor leaving out the door to the cabin with a sheepish thumbs up. Sigh. Another vestige of another crisis our civilization lurches from, like '08.

2025.08.20 @ 20:37 Damn! They closed at 20:00. Thought it was at 21:00. Meh. Feel like going back to Stonewall. Got on the #6 Train. Whoops, got on the wrong way. Whatever. I'm starving & wanna update the site. $1 slices at Times Square it is, I suppose.

2025.08.20 @ 22:45 Waiting for two pepperoni slices. 1721 Broadway. 24 hours, cash only, as God intended. $6.50. Great for the price; A can of Pepsi's included (this one's for you, dad!). Hail Satan if you can get a decent bite & a treat for under $6.66

2025.08.21 @ 00:20 Caught the A Train down to... I guess I'll go from Columbus Circle to Stonewall again & write/update this damned primitive site. When that ends, I have plans. Gonna walk across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan like Debbie said. Then maybe steal some newspapers again & read at a diner until I witness market open in the flesh at the New York Stock Exchange. I'm an adorable scoundrel in my own estimation.

2025.08.21 @ 01:18 Got lost on my way to Stonewall.exiting the W 4th St. Station. Found Christopher St. Stumbled upon Pieces, a gay bar with two drag queen in sight, so I figured it'll be a good place to stop. Bleh. $10 gin & tonic. But the music's fun & there are people dancing, so, cool.

2025.08.21 @ 02:07 At Stonewall. Love it. It's busy!

2025.08.21 @ 03:30 Holly shit. Now it's packed! How the hell we gettin' busier at close?? "Last call, motherfuckers!!!"

2025.08.21 @ 04:32 Heartwarming scene in this incessant rain: two tough sleeps, a man & a woman, spooning on a stoop of the ninety block of Lafayette. Love wins.

2025.08.21 @ 05:30 I didn't even have to go all the way to Nicholas Merrill's address at 150 Beekman St. to steal a periodical,; Found a New York Times on 234 Lafayette St. Thanks, Gitlin Lucilla. Walked overtime on the Brooklyn Bridge because the umbrella I tied to my purse fell off not much before the plaque on the Manhattan side. At High St. Station now. Have to get off at Lafayette Ave to mosey over to Atlantic Ave/Barclays Center to catch the B Train to Brighton Beach for a sunrise on the Atlantic. I neglected to touch the waters of Lake Michigan, so I really ought to fondle this much-hyped Atlantic.

2025.08.21 @ 05:59 Made it to Atlantic Ave Station. A Q Train left shortly after I arrived. Should've boarded it, but I didn't yet realize that the B isn't running here for now. Next Q Train is in two minutes. Whoopee. Morning commute frequency in effect! Now let's crack open that New York Times!

2025.08.21 @ 06:50 The Atlantic... I see it now for the first time up close (& not on a flight to Europe). No sunrise, though. Very cloudy/rainy. Saw a woman walking her dog & remarked "Corgis are nice. The queen had them for a reason :)" & she laughed.

2025.08.21 @ 07:00 I reach the end of the pier. Three Chinese men are fishing. Charming. They smoke cigarettes in their rain ponchos to keep warm & dry in this chilly August weather. Is a hurricane coming? Weird to me to be so cold & drizzly in Summer, like Edinburgh.

2025.08.21 @ 07:32 I'm hungry. Need to head back to Manhattan to witness market open. I find Cyclone: Coney Island Bagels & make small talk with the lovely lady who serves me. I was skeptical because it's so close to the beach, but it is across the street diagonally from a chabad, so, maybe that means it's fair? Prices are nice. $2.50 for a bagel, $1 for cream cheese. I get a pint of coffee, black (as God intended), a sesame seed bagel, & maple cream cheese in anticipation of Canada. It's good!

2025.08.21 @ 08:20 An older man chit chatted with the staff about how he isn't a morning person, but that some people just are. I told him I also wasn't a morning person until I figured something out: mornings are rough if you wake up in them. I told him I didn't enjoy mornings unless I stayed up all night to really experience them. "Does that make me a morning person?" "No," he wryly asserted. Man was in no mood for a stranger to interject, I take it. Guess he really isn't a morning person after all :P

2025.08.21 @ 13:03 Fell asleep on the Q train out of Brighton Beach. Went back down to Canal St, got lost again in Chinatown. The hoodie was a bust. They didn't actually have my shit. Oh well. Thrifting time

2025.08.21 @ 13:25 The crazy lady who said "Obama did 9/11!!!" the day I was on my way to the 9/11 Memorial was outside the $.50 slice place. She noticed me again & proclaimed, "You look nice... nicer than me!"

2025.08.21. @ 17:18 Still up from yesterday. Napped maybe a half hour on that Q train. Running errands... AT&T was useless, as. I need to be an authorized user. The LGBT Center on 17th St didn't have toothbrushes, but they did give me two bandages & alcohol wipes. I saw a happy hour with $2 oysters & I just had to try a half dozen. I'd be forlorn if I left New York without any seafood in my gut. I've only had (since arriving Monday night_ a half a pastrami sandwich left in the free food cupboard, some falafel & rice, that Italian dinner, some pancakes, four slices of pepperoni, two oranges, a banana, a bagel, and now a half dozen oysters. They're delightful! So's the John Daly! The glassware's really pleasurable: a dozen cleaved ridges that bloom in a rounded, flower-petal style at the bottom that gradually become liner, a dodecagonal prism on top. Jack & Charlie's. The oysters are sweet on the palate & very savory on the finish. I have a nasty oyster habit.

2025.08.21 @ 20:59 Damn. Almost made it this whole week with no vocal transphobia. Only other time before this was that guy who got off the train in Chicago specifically to verbally assault me. I was in a crowded laundromat in an area with plenty of rainbow flags around. No problems washing the shit. I come back later to check on the drying & some bitter dude, late twenties/early thirties eyeballs me as I check on my shit. He looks irritated & disgusted by my presence (I was actually in good form: best dress, Vivienne Westwood jacket, &c.) which is usually not something that would irk me in passing, but being captive to my laundry heightened my irritability. As I walked out (someone else had erroneously added thirty minutes to my machine & there were no available counters to fold on) for fresh(er) air, he made something like a "pshhh" & "tsss" scoff/hiss at me while he followed my gait with his turning head. I returned the sound while facing forward, eyes at exit. He hissed in disapproval/disgust even louder, so we're escalating. I cap it off with an even louder mock hiss & a sardonic chortle to sweeten the vitriol. He just looked stunned as I stormed out of there. I went to the closed business next door to read my pilfered New York Times & spy through a vestibule in case he did some punk shit like throw my laundry in the street. He (& his elder female relative, & two small children) left the laundromat soon after. I walked past them to mind my business & he couldn't help himself but stare at me while craning his neck again. "Goddamn, look again, faggot," I said to him while maintaining eye contact.Surprisingly, that got no reaction out of him, probably because English escapes him. Sorry, loser, that queer people exist in a neighborhood teeming with rainbow flags & gay bars. Sorry trans people have laundry as well. Motherfucker couldn't afford to eat my ass. That guy back in Chicago felt it was necessary to step onto the platform for three seconds to shout, full-throatedly at me, "You're a man!!!" I don't get it; If I'm a man, with as much estrogen in my blood as an adult woman & as much testosterone as a nine-year-old child, wearing make up, a dress, tights, a shawl, ballet flats, earrings, tinted lip balm, & a purse (loaded with a hair brush & said make up) then why doesn't he do the same? Come on, you fucking baboon, take the Pepsi challenge with our shit. Do what we do & see if you still feel like a man. Take hormones, pluck your eyebrows nigh daily, wear femme clothes, oh, and shave your entire body for the full flavor, then tell me how much of a man you feel like, fuckface. If I can do all that & still be "a man!!!" then so can you, right? Show me, faggot. Stop looking at me with your broke ass, ignorant, ghettoid eyes that are probably better off in a Chinese stew than they are in your fucking skull. You do it. Make no difference, right? Wrong. My personality shifted markedly after maybe four to six weeks. I used to get trashed & play some quarter-century old video game like Patrician III, SimCity 4, or Team Fortress 2, but I cannot do that anymore. Video games, poring over history (thanks for the book, though, Greg. From your fatigue pants & extensive knowledge about Sunni/Shia conflicts I guess you're a talented amateur military historian. Man was scouring the book a second time to examine the end notes!), getting numb & stimulating combat, real estate/civic development, gambling... They're such utterly uninteresting dead-ends of brainpower that could be spend communicating. I crave communication. Small talk with strangers, catching up with friends/ & acquaintances... everything from asking elderly strangers about if the weather's always like this in August, smiling at dogs in passing, checkup up on a friend's asylum claim... I, however, can't bear to speak with my family, except for my sister who's also not the most fond of the accident of her birth. I initially planned to transition in secret, but after my last (doomed) relationship failed & I had to move back into my childhood room, which depressed me to no end (why do you think I was going out six nights a week hoping to go back to your place?), I felt like my behavior was inexplicable and that my mother deserved the true reason for my very self-destructive actions in January and February. I'd been told to wait until the very end of February before I could even be considered for 'mones. The wait was agonizing, so I resumed killing myself with drink as I'd done since I was seventeen & my family disintegrated... I starved myself, typically eating fewer than 800 calories a day & making up the deficit with liquid bread—twelve packs of high life, tall cans of Hamm's or PBR, whatever shit, light beer I could afford to drink like water for a quarter to half a day at a time. Smoke mad indica until maybe I could forget my name. Interesting that there are many vices: gambling, cocaine, vodka, heroin, violence, theft, reckless driving, womanizing, &c, & I couldn't help myself but drink beer & smoke the weed. Not vaping, but I was smoking flower in my free time. I think there's evidence that marijuana smoke, but not vapor or edible forms, is somewhat estrogenizing. But I was killing myself last Winter waiting for the 'mones. People noticed. Sometimes, you could see my ribs through my shirt if it was tight enough. On the one hand, I thought starving myself would atrophy my shoulders/neck more for a more graceful figure. Since I was six years old, I was depressed thinking all I was supposed to be was an ugly lump of muscle! Since I was eight, I winced in fear after being beaten by three boys & ignored by the teacher in the aftermath for merely running my hand through my hair! Since I was twenty-five, I looked in the mirror & the first thought I'd suffer was "This is it; You're done developing. Now you know what nature had in store for you & you're hopelessly masculine." That's how I made my mom understand. She has smaller breasts, but I'm not sure to what degree it annoys her. But I explained it to her like that, "You cis people have dysmorphia or dysphoria, too, but it aligns with your sex. The woman who wants plastic surgery (facial feminization surgery?) or the man who craves developing unnatural (as in, not acquired through his work, like manual labor) upper body strength have dysmorphia & dysphoria but in a way that is familiar & congenial to society. I remember one Summer, I think when I was nineteen, I worked full-time for my first time longer than a few days or a week. It was four weeks, I believe, & by the last week I noticed my arms were changing from all the parcels I'd have to unload from Chinese shipping containers that smelled like an unholy alliance of shrimp garbage & dentist's office chemicals in the July sun. My arms & shoulders were strengthening for the first time ever & it was revolting to me. I don't think most people born male would be disgusted seeing their forearms look a tad tougher & thicker. The two men who expressed their disdain for me, it is very tempting to indulge in racism & say that they're macho assholes because X or they can't stand me because Y, but it's a coping mechanism for not having to think that 990/1000 people of all backgrounds think I'm a repugnant freak & those two were merely ill-mannered enough to tell me to my face :(

2025.08.22 @ 01:07 That was hard to write. Innumerable tears smear with mucus on the pages from remembering too much. I was shivering from hunger & had a sneaky cheat sampling of my rations for the next four days: 8,690 calories for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, & I was planning on having rations for Monday to make it up to Montreal. Well, 2,000 calories a day means I could afford that late night Thursday meal of 690 calories:

-Smoked sardines with corn, beans, & salsa

-Jalapeño flavored fatty smoked meat stick

-Peanut butter meal bar (this protein's for you, Alson!)

I picked good rations. But I'm still cold now in the second floor lounge, with jeans & a hoodie. I fear I'm woefully unprepared for 55° Vermont Summer nights. I have one, trusty but ratty & petite Mexican blanket I bought on Tijuana's Avenida Revolución a decade ago. I don't have a pillow. I don't have a sleeping bag. I have a cot & a blanket... Might have to layer my four shawls as an improvised blanket. But it's too late to indulge in all this emotion. I am terrified I'll be abandoned today at noon in Brooklyn trying to get that ride up to Vermont because they'll see my gargantuan backpack, little suitcase, & think I'm a nuisance with too much luggage. Need to see contingencies for Amtrak in case I'm really alone again. I planned on getting some sleep. Only had ~13 hours of rest in the ~75 hours I've been in the United States' premier city. That's twelve hours shy of healthy rest. That miserable bastard had to sneer at me & give me a third wind. I'll try to sleep for two hours at least... setting alarms.

2025.08.22 @ 03:51 Stayed up talking with the San Diego homies. I ain't fucking' sleeping. Literally no sleep 'til Brooklyn.

2025.08.22 @ 00:32 Gonna shower, I guess, & get pretty to kill time. I'll pack after dawn. This place sucks. Always on egg shells.

2025.08.22 @ 10:18 Just checked out of that shit. Photo finish. My phone said 10:01 when I hit the the sidewalk, I . I was told as long as I was out of there by the time the maid showed up I was good :) Maybe it's not sooo bad? More later. Have to fgure out how to get to Eldert. I'm on the B Train now passing 34th St.

2025.08.22 @ 11:29 Frustrating: getting disoriented trying to walk from Barclays Center. Looking for the C Train's Lafayette station... but Lafayette Station's not on Lafayette? The G line is. The C is some bullshit. Gotta transfer at Broadway Junction for the L Train bound for 14th St. Manhattan. Get off at Halsey St.

/---------------\

|ROAD TO VERMONT|

\---------------/

2025.08.22 @ 13:00 Met Danny (urban planner), Alejandro (primary care physician), Sharrin (emergency room nurse), & Lyzi (technical writer). Barely made it. Arrived at 11:58. Can't believe we packed all our shit. "Russell sunrise set is a religion experience," says Lyzi. Noted.

2025.08.22 @ 14:11 Just passed the Croton Reservoir.

2025.08.22 @ 16:14 The seatbelts "Space Lion" is playing! Woah. Forgot about the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack. It owns, yo.

2025.08.22 @ 16:51 In Vermont!

2025.08.22 @ 19:00 We got groceries. Everyone's so cool & nice! :)

/---------------\

|SYSTEM ACTIVATE|

\---------------/

2025.08.23 @ About Sunset Shane from the coast of New Hampshire recommends watching "Cabaret," the film. Lol. "It's a wild zone when you become your own favorite thing to look at," he says.

2025.08.23 @ Sunset So busy living. So many wonderful people. Best decision ever.

2025.08.23 @ Before Midnight, Maybe 22:00 Met Octo Octa. She got my thank you letter & said she cried happily reading it after an "emotional set" <3 <3 <3 Mission a-fucking-ccomplished. She asked if she could hug me. Of course! I forgot to mention I was the one who shouted "Thank you!" after she concluded her set with a "Thank you!" Her vanity plate is funny: T4T4T lol. Living your dreams is wicked, yo, but System Activate is a rare & precious thing. Had no bad interactions with anyone. The time is most precious. Must lifemaxx right now and recall everything later. Sorry, blog! Onto other matters...

/---------------\

|SPRINGFIELD, MA|

\---------------/

2025.08.24 @ 18:50 Thomas Long is helping me navigate to Montreal. Very tricky. Thanks, Thomas! What a puzzle! He says Montreal is not included in the USA Rail Pass. Also, there's no train from here to Albany, where I could catch the Adirondack up to Montreal. Instead, we devised a solution: bus from Springfield, MA to New Haven, CT, then a train to New York again before riding the whole Adirondack line up to Montreal. Had to spend $102 (holy shit, thank you, Lyzi!!!) on a separate coach ticket to Montreal, but it's better than riding to near the border & hitch hiking to my final destination. Have to alert my host in Hochelaga that I'll be checking in late Monday evening. Perhaps close to 22:00. Also need to figure out cellphone & newspaper. For now, transit is survival. I feel safest on an Amtrak train. At this point, it's like a second womb to me, rocking me gently to sleep. I will survive <3 "I get by with a little help from my friends. I get high with a little help from my friends." Fucking bees! Still!!!

2025.08.24.25 @ 19:29 Safe on the bus.

2025.08.24 @ 19:35 We are moving. This is the beginning of what I call the New England Scramble: a convoluted route to Montreal...

2025.08.24 @ 19:36 Sharrin, Lyzi, Alejandro, & Danny will always have a special place in my heart. Especially Danny <3

/--------------------------------\

|NEW HAVEN, CT/NORTHEAST REGIONAL|

\--------------------------------/

2025.08.24 @ 21:24 Barely made it to the platform to the train to New York... sat down when the guy I was navigating the station with invited me to the dining car. I said "Sure," but when I got up & followed him, my watch fell apart. The damned buckle slipped from all my wrangling of luggage. Fucking lady & her kids are all coughing that bitch ass, dry, nagging covid cough with no masks. Fuck me. My body is so weak right now from crossing the continent. I'm fighting multiple infections & now this shit? Wear a fucking mask you doss cunt. I'm taking my fucking boots off & stinking up the place. Fuck you if you give me covid. I might even have skin cancer. Mole on my neck looks bad/feels irritated. I'm scared.

2025.08.24 @ 21:45 Fuck the watch. Food, medicine, clean clothes,& shelter. That's all I need.

2025.08.24 @ 22:03 Thank Satan. The Coughington family is departing.

/-----------------\

|NEW YORK, AGAIN?!|

\-----------------/

2025.08.24 @ 23.37 Last meal in United States: three cheese slices for $4.50 across from Penn. Station. Maybe I'll get something in Albany if they let us off for an hour again. Good sub sandwich in my opinion. New York City is rather backward & stupid. Get off at "New York Penn. Station | Moynihan Train Hall." Okay. Go upstairs, "Moynihan Train Hall | Penn. Station." Try to rest in the ticketed waiting room. "You have to wait at Penn. Station, across the street." "What street? *motion to vast interior* Actually, never mind; I have all night to figure this shit out." She yelped directions at me as I walked away. The sign by the door said, "For Amtrak trains departing between 01:15-05:15 use Penn. Station across the street" My train departs at 07:15. That's not between 01:15 - 05:15 because holy shit how illiterate is this fucked plantation? The staff at customer service repeated, "Go wait in the station across the street," but I stressed that "What the fuck does English mean?" I leave because I have all night to figure this shit out. The cheap pizzeria diagonally across from me that reads "99 Cent Pizza" on the sign, but I know from experience the cheapest (cheese) slices are $1.50. Still, it was amusing to see the "99 cent" part ineffectively painted over with red paint that failed to obscure the bright white light illuminating the false advertisement. Is that was New York City is? Bright light illuminating a false advertisement? Man in Penn. Station told me to come back at 06:00... Ugh...

2025.08.25 @ 00:42 A nice bloke asked me at the waiting counter if I wasn't busy. We chatted about my phone, the blue Punkt MP02. I gave him the rundown & he was stunned. "What do you do?" "I'm an author." Explained my mission. He was genuinely bemused & wished me luck before fist bumping me & heading to his train. Dude admitted "I'm pretty stuck in the matrix; I work in AI." He wasn't the first tech worker who communicated their occupation with timid guilt. He won't be the last, either.

2025.08.25 @ 01:17 Penn. Station is dystopian. No water filling stations or WCs nearby. Took a long time to find a WC & it was almost all being used. I suspect by vagrants. Why there are no facilities for customers in waiting areas beats me.

2025.08.25 @ 02:08 A young person was drawn to sit across from me twice (after I left for the WC once). I didn't understand why until noticing the trans/pride flags on her sketchbook. Her email looked like it was on an ID tag on her backpack. I emailed her that I noticed them, that the United States (& hopefully not the whole world) is getting crueler & my site blogging this journey.

2025.08.25 @ 03:40 I'm sure I'm falling ill & it wasn't the coughing mother & children on the Northeast Regional. I think it was probably a mix of that Nap York hostel & System Activate. Shared many bevvies/containers. Found a new lover. Too tired to recount System Activate now. Need to catch the Adirondack & sleep.

/--------------\

|THE ADIRONDACK|

\--------------/

2025.08.25 @ 07:16 Just boarded the Adirondack. Feel very cranky. Need sleep.

2025.08.25 @ 07:40 Morning on the Hudson looks divine. Love hearing the men to my left chatting French.

2025.08.25 @ 10:50 Stopped in Albany for an hour & forty minutes. Tried that hotdog truck by the park in Rensselaer. Good sausage (hot peppers & onions) with a coke & chips. Wish could've enjoyed it in the park, but I was attacked by a bee again! I had to pace manically to avoid it, again! And again, just now, one hovered by my window on the train—the only place I feel safe! I'm in tears. My health is suffering: still have more than half a dozen cuts/scrapes I'm healing from, I have tiny warts on my left index & thumb that at least appear to be receding now (thought I'd developed antibodies to this strain of HPV since getting yeast injected into my feet fifteen years ago to rid me of plantar warts), a sore throat, another staph infection in my nose (I put antibiotic ointment on it this morning when I felt that familiar, sharp pain), a cough developing, my head's feeling warmer,like I'm fighting a fever, & I have a mole on my neck that I hope is just developing granuloma annulare (an auto-immune thing I had five years ago on my wrist) & is not a precancerous mole. I'm crying because I can't even rest in the park and sit still. Am I an irresistably sweet queen or what?!

2025.08.25 @ 11:36 It's still out there, lusting after me ;__;!

2025.08.25 @ 16:53 Hit the border! Made good friends: Aubrey, Fred, & Helena! Time for customs! Fred was nice enough to change money with me! 60 CAD for 44 USD! He recommends Renaissance/Le Chaînon thrift stores.

2025.08.25 @ 17:24 Just cleared customs. They helped me understand the form because of my atypical situation. Just had to write down the address of the room I rented in the rough part of town.

2025.08.25 @ 17:32 Helena is a gorgeous, passing trans girl three years along! What are the odds?! We're gonna be friends :3 Fred is a handsome Palestinian/Syrian by blood (Parents met in Egypt) but fellow Canadian. Aubrey says he's autistic, but he's not too far gone. Eccentric for sure, but good at communicating! I'm so pleased. I'm gonna make it if I try :) Aubrey is a film cherry picker/critic.

2025.08.25 @ 18:37 Helena is from Guadeloupe (that French passport tho) & will be returning Saturday. She said she'd help me get to my place. The guards made her run her shit because of some travel insurance or something. One guard wanted to search me, the other dissuaded his partner from messing with me. I have devil's luck, and being lucky is better than being good.

2025.08.25 @ 19:36 Helena film recommendation: "Straw" (or "Last Straw").

/------------\

|MONTRÉAL, QC|

\------------/

2025.08.25 @ 23:30 Arrived at my place. Good feelings about all of this city. Getting here with Helena was a nightmare, though: her luggage that the border guards searched & made her repack on the train exploded on the escalator in Gare Centrale. I helped her reconstitute her shit and lugged it up and down so many fucking stairs and bizarre doors. She listened to Google & not her heart, so we went past her area by two stops. Had to back track. After we dropped her stuff off & we walked back to the station in her neighborhood, she forgot her transit pass & had to go fetch it while I waited like a bum in the station. Then, when going my way, we went too far again & had to back track. Bleh. But we made it! She said she was walking back to the metro from my place when a little Italian guy picked her up. Girl! you are too young & weak to be getting into strangers cars! We've all made that mistake, but still!!! At least it went well for her and he invited her (& maybe me?) to the restaurant he works at. We shall see.

2925.08.26 @ 12:30 Woke up at 09:30. Showered & checked my lappy for messages before shaving, getting dressed, & leaving to buy a pen. The neighborhood (Hochelaga) is fucking nice! Don't get the fright. Those poutine pussies couldn't handle 12th & Imperial back West in my opinion. Alright, going back to my room to map the directions to Schwartz's & the LGBT center.

2025.08.26 @ 14:00 Forgot my damned journal. At Schwartz's now. Got a smoked beef sandwich & a black cherry soda, as God intended. The man behind the counter asked me, "Do you want that sandwich lean, medium, or medium fat?" I emphatically pronounced the word "Fat." I got fat. :) The elderly gentleman to my right got a sandwich as well, with coleslaw & fries. Saw him drench his fries in white vinegar. Fuck yeah. I missed this shit. Total death to Uncle Sam's Plantation. Devoured that shit with the quickness. Hell yeah.

2025.08.26 @ 16:45 Can't find the LGBT center... asking some down & outs. Some LGBT outreach worker gave me vague directions... No obvious signs on Plessis. The roughs couldn't help. Maybe find wifi...

2025.08.27 @ 17:37 Sitting in the SecondCup by Philips Square, I think it's called... Popped in to get a big brew coffee & use the wifi. I tried opening a bank account but was too late in the day. Oh well, the good news is there's no minimum deposit, so, I can still use my pocket cash to function. I feel like shit. Need soup & rest. Heading home after the grocery store.

2025.08.27 @ 15:07 Got to the platform at McGill right as my train left. Can't even be mad. Next one is two minutes away... & here it is!!! I'm in heaven. Getting sundries & vittles in my 'hood. Gonna call Darcy & let Hélène know I'm spent.

2025.08.28 @ 10:36 Headed to the bank to try to get an account. Went to the butcher to finally get my System Activate wristband carefully removed without damaging the fabric too much.

2025.08.28 @ 11:20 The bank says I need to open an account closer to home. Okay.

2025.08.28 @ 12:08 Left of art building, ask for sociology, says Al. McGill sociology website mcgill.ca/sociology assteq: look up

2025.08.28 @ 13:46 Left a note in Lia & Alain's mailbox. Chatted on the phone with Ria <3 Going to see about a bank account...

2025.08.28 @ 14:25 Bank says I can get an appointment two weeks from now.

2025.08.28 @ 14:52 Just walked by a semi-busted payphone in a park on Rue St. Catherine & Rue Frontenanc & it works!? Holy shit. Payphones on deck! I saw some in a metro station the other day but I couldn't believe it... I'm in heaven.

2025.08.28 @ 14:58 Holy... there are municipal bike pumps?! & an Antifa sticker right by it??? Twin black flags, laurels on either side rounding out a circle with "ANTIFA" as the keystone & the subtitle "514 MONTREAL 161" What a place. Going to write some French radical bill down by my spot to translate...

2025.08.28 @ 15:25 Property on corner of Rue Ontario & Rue de Chambly grafitti reads "FUCK AIRBNB." I agree, but how should I stay here? Where the housing co-ops at??? More: "DECRISS AIRBNB FUCK OFF." Thought it was abandoned/empty, but it looks like some sort of inventory in there, shrink wrapped cardboard boxes...

2025.08.28 @ 15:30 Here it is:

slam.matu@protonmail.com

LOYERS TROP CHERS? BL­ÂMEZ LES PROPRIOS, PAS LES IMMIGRANT E.S.!

"Au Québec, des compagnies comme AirBnB louent à court terme plus de 65,000 logis. A Montréal, 44% de

ces logements ont vides une partie de l'année:

-Les loyers on augmenté de 7,35% en moyenne entre 2022 et 2023 (plus de 2% le taux d'inflation)

des profits supplémentaires pour les propriétaires

-L'immobilier est le secteur le plus riche du Canada. Les 25 plus grands propriétaires possèdent

environ un cinquième de tous appartements privés

Ils sont riches en nous appauvrissant! Ne les laissez pas nous diviser! Rejoignez le Syndicat des

locataires autonomes de Mtl SLAM.MATU

2025.08.28 @ 19:45 Listening to one of my favorite tracks I discovered this year: John Beltran's "Deluge." Aptly, I cried to the last quarter of the song, which always gets me emotional. I first heard it back in late Winter or early Spring, during rain ater leaving work early. I see my shelf in my room decorated, finally confident enough to celebrate myself. Left to right:

-the only ID I have with the name Diane on it (my old gym)

-LGBT themed San Diego MTS Pronto Card that I hounded the office at 12th & Imperial for

-a Chicago Ventra card

-a New York OMNY card

-a copy of the New York Times, signed by my four friends I made in the carpool on the way up Aug 22

(I see Helena added a sentiment to it as well after our steak dinner together!)

-the Financial Times from the day I arrived in Montréal

-the Amtrak map from my USA Rail Pass

-the bottle of petite syrah Misterchicity gave me (more about that later...)

-my Amtrak tickets fanned out with the one stamped with a bold, red CANADA front & centered

-the System Activate wristband tied around the neck, neatly folded so it reads "AUGUST 22-24 2025" on

the left & "VERMONT" on the right

So proud of myself :')

2025.08.28 @ 20:10 Bonded with Zach. Taught me the trash/recycling/composting situation. He's playing harmonica now. Where's Helena? I have to cook these steaks soon, you know!

2025.08.28 @ 20:15 Zach is palying harmonica in his room still & it's charming. I think I should stay here through October, despite the shifty, yoked Ukrainian who "is & isn't" here for work.

2025.08.29 @ 07:49 Helena is on the phone with her big brother. She's trying to get help to sort out an immigration matter: something about how they denied her passage back to Québec from New York. Electronic Travel Authorization... oof. Some headache I don't comprehend, but it's stressful. If things go wrong, she'll be banned from Canada for five to ten years! See you in the Caribbean, yo. Catch my slightly swarthy ass en la isla de Cuba! ☭

2025.08.29 @ 11:45 Getting my poutine in. Dude to my left in line was proper rude French, shoving, grumbling, and all. I expected this churlishness on the daily but it took a while :)

2025.08.29 @ 11:48 Helena: "I'd sell my soul & give the money to charity." Bahahahahaha.

2025.08.29 @ 12:48 The squirrels here are so fat & poncing; I can't get over how cute they are. Helena is fetching us tissues from un dépanneur (that's the local word for bodega, or corner store). Today is beautiful. We woke up to much rain, but the sky made way for the sun before we got hot chocolates & croissants.

2025.08.29 @ 13:07 I love this city because so many people look like communist rockstars!

2025.08.29 @ 22:41 Just checked on Helena. Not directly, but with her housemates. They said she extended her stay :) Darcy & Lydia were nice enough to give me a spot of shrimp & saffron rice. So kind. I left them to watch the evening news/Lydia's detective drama.

2025.08.29 @ 23:09 Victoria Square. Huh. We meet again... Haven't seen a nice sculpture of Victoria since 2014, when I was a student in London.

2025.08.30 @ 01:04 Met Ruby & Jet <3 Chantal pours a nice, cold pibber! Fuck yeah! I met lezzies & a fellow trans woman at the bar by my metro station when I least expected. The night was salvaged :)

2025.08.30 @ 16:08 Heading to Jet's to fetch my lighter. She's walking distance from me.

2025.08.30 @ 18:01 Got the lighter. Jet's nice. Ruby just woke up. I left to get a greasy burger, but changed my mind. I look too damned good. This calls for a metro ride to Papineau. I get out & go East on (bad) instinct. What am I doing? Well, I don't actually feel like eating. Want to give this journal the attention it deserves. I called David on the way to Jet's to hear a familiar voice. He's not at the titty bar (what we call his gayborhood bar, "Pec's"). I remember when I get out at Papineau that I promised him I'd do markint (that's market intelligence for you squares) on bear caves & daddies. David simply needs his daddies. The handyman back at my place, Zach, has been putting up with a bit of my shit & I should get him a few beers. When I left Papineau station, I noticed a Super C in the distance. There's one by my place & I need to source more affordable groceries. So, I check out the Super C on Rue Saint Catherine & I see better prices, of course. I won't shop there if they're US-owned, though. I didn't move to Québec to support Uncle Sam's Plantation. I survey some goods, enjoy what I see, & get a bottle of water for 65 cents. Milk really does come in bags in Canada. LMFAO! Jet told me, "Yes, the rent is cheaper in Montréal, but they get you on the groceries." Perfect! I'll take lower fixed costs every time, please! I can adjust my diet/appetite on the daily. I can't say, "Wow, the weather was shit this week," or "Actually, I slept over at my friend's place, can I get reduced rent?" Love the leftist vibes in my part of town. "NO WAR BUT CLASS WAR," says a bill for a meeting September 7. I think I'll go. I keep a black bandana on me so I'm ready to fly a black flag with the anarchists. Lots of metro doors to the station with black, circled As (anarchist graffiti). Love it <3 So, I leave Super C with my petite bottle of water & see a BDSM flag & a couple of cute guys outside, pussyfooting around, debating whether or not to go inside the place, STUD. I go in for a pint & a page. 'Keep says "Cash only, is that okay?" "Better," I say, "It's a bar!" Empty save for a handful of patrons but I fucking love the thumping gay music. Gay porn on the TVs. Men over thirty-five. Nice. David could be happy here. Big "California Republic" flag modified with rainbow stripes on the bottom instead of the traditional red. Gay bears rule. "Lesbians are the best of us, then it`s gay bears," declared Paris back in San Diego a month ago. Cash only. Daddies. Porn. Gay California flag. Slot machines. Montréal's not fucking bad. "It's awesome until it isn't," said Jet. Because Rue Saint Catherine has rats? I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. You should see the rats in Chicago, bitch! My hand hurts... more soon.

2025.08.30 @ 20:01 Madu, Cleopatra, Red Diamond (Mondays). These are pro tips given to me by a Colombian doll & fellow queen!

2025.08.30 @ 20:45 Back at STUD. This is not a bad place, even if it's for another clientelle. Maybe I should play pool? Maybe not. I want another eighth of Afghan kush, & some more booze before I return to my room.

2025.08.30 @ 20:48 I'm home... I belong here, but, en Français! I simply must learn French! I cannot stand to hear Anglais anymore. It's a hideous yet moneyed tongue. As expected, les Montréalaises turn their heads when I speak Italian or Japanese.

2025.08.30 @ 21:49 I show up to the burger spot at just the last moment! For Christ! This city rules.

2025.08.30 @ 23:13 Back in my neighborhood... Heard a fucking good party a block away, but they're prissy, like, "We don't know you," but they'll blast good ass music from the balcony-like! Whose dick do I have to suck? What bread I gotta break off? None. They are proper prissy. I'm not getting into their chouette soirée.

2025.08.31 @ 10:19 MARXISTE.QC.CA/REJOINDRE Nice bill of Luigi Mangione: RÉVOLUTION CONTRE LES MILLIARDAIRES: REJOIN LES COMMNUNISTES PCQ

2025.08.31 @ 10:37 Waiting at the University of Québec at Montréal for the orange line to Montmercy. Sunday morning's the busiest I've ever seen the metro.

2025.08.31 @ 12:14 Got off at Jean Talon. Looked for the market, got lost. Found a painting for Helena. Lydia drew a map of the area in my journal for us to navigate there.

<lovingly sketched map of the area>

2025.08.31 @ 13:15 At Jean Talon Market with Helena. Everything looks so good! Smart of me to leave my card at home. I just need apples & oranges. First stop was the watercloset; The ladies line was too long so I used the mens. Another reason to never get bottom surgery.

2025.08.31 @ 14:46 Helena got me the best capricciosa pizza! Such good pizze! She ordered the prosciutto erroneously—didn't realize it'd come with meat, silly girl! She even donated her prosciutto to me :)

2025.08.31 @ 15:38 Helena says to listen to Zouk music.

2025.08.31 @ 18:10 We have parted ways. She got me a nice shirt from a yard (street corner, really) sale. Also, Helena gave me some nuggy wuggies, since she knows the weed shops will be closed tomorrow for Labor Day.

2025.08.31 @ 18:35 Went the wrong way on the orange line... Then I waited on the wrong side of the platform at Henri-Bourassa station. Bleh! The metro monitors showing next arrivals also display healthy food/recipes. Love it <3 It's 24°C.

2025.09.01 @ 14:46 There's a man painting his staircase purple at 1619 Dézéry, by Rue Adam.

2025.09.01 @ 15:02 Siqq Rolls Royce going down Rue Sainte-Catherine, eastbound.

2025.09.01 @ 15:06 Just saw a lad in a bucket hat aggresively biting at a brick of cheese the way I was eating that baguette last week en route to Parc Station.

2025.09.01 @ 15:27 Went to the Kung Fu Tea on Rue Sainte-Catherine. Got a taro slushy with coffee jelly & lychee popping boba because fuck my shit up, sis. Fuck it up—fuck it up! There's an advertisement for a mango cheese slushy. Interesting...

2025.09.01 @ 15:45 Huge FUCK THE POLICE protest on Rue Sainte-Catherine. ANTI-COLONISTE, &c. Erupted at Rue Sainte-Catherine & Rue Saint-Dominique. Over a thousand people. Pro-Palestine, first nation iconography. Lots of black, red, & yellow. Mohawk Warrior Society flags.

2025.09.01 @ 16:11 Pro-Palestine protest marched East on Rue Sainte-Catherine before turning North at Berri-UQAM. They locked down a block with their cars, all decorated with Palestinian flags. Taking the metro back from Berri-UQAM. Vuvuzelas! War drums on deck.

2025.09.01 @ 16:20 That was emotional. Going back to Hochelaga.

2025.09.01 @ 17:37 I see someone using not only a payphone, but a phone booth! What the fuck!!!

2025.09.01 @ 17:40 Public ping pong table!

2025.09.01 @ 18:06 The man at the end of the bar (who just left) had the full-throated voice of a lion! Wore Harley Davidson shit. Must be 60+. total daddy. I don't really like daddies. My ex, a short latin king, Pedro, of four-and-a-half years was an exception—still the last man to top me six years later!

2025.09.01 @ 18:25 Caught up with Danny on the phone.

2025.09.02 @ 14:50 Got dolled up schoolgirl mode since I'm trying to enroll in the government French classes. Copped some more parmigiano reggiano to go with dinner.

2025.09.01 @ 15:03 Odd—there's a Moroccan flag flying atop the building at the northeast corner of Alexandre-DeSevè & Ontario. Guess it's a consulate.

2025.09.02 @ 15:20 Wow! A nice old lady came into the library right after me with a massive sack of pastries to leave for us. Also, the one computer here for me has the lezzie flag! I'm not a lesbian, I swear!

2025.09.02 @ 18:37 Met Michel at STUD. He was takinga break from drinking & enjoying his ginger ale. We talked politics & my ewscape! Toodles! Bleh. He showed me that the social insurance number is separate from the medical insurance! Damn! SIN is federal, for unemployment bennies, &c. La Régie de l'assurance maladie du Québec is the boss battle...

2025.09.02 @ 18:50 So, cheeky cunt that I am, devoured five of the pastries placed in the gay library earlier: a berry turnover to start, then a raisin cinnamon roll, followed by an apple pie thing, then a chocolate pice hing, & lastly, another delicous berry turnover.

2025.09.02 @ 19:00 I'm such a rude churl; I refer to C$20 bills as "Lizzies in a box." "They don't have the courage to put that ugly duckling, Charles III, on the bill yet. He's just on loonie as far as I've seen.

2025.09.02 @ 19:07 Just took a straight shot of tabasco with the 'tender at STUD <3

2025.09.02 @ 19:20 So, about that System Activate...

...We arrived Friday, August 22nd a bit before sunset. Excited, we left the rented Buick to verify our tickets & got our wristbands. Sharrin, Lyzi, Alejandro, & Danny all busted out their hand-dandy smartphones to show some scanner a QR code. UI had no such luxury, so I began de-Tetrissin the trunk to get to my luggage to reach for my absolute poato, fucked-to-death lappy tha I'll throw in the sewer when it busts. The attending volunteer who saw me struggling was kind enough to verifymy attendance by name. that worked out :) I talked a big, foolish game about how I'd help one of the ladies with her camp after I set up.

2025.09.02 @ 20:51 Met Mr. Explosion while drinking beer & watching the pool table. Went to le SDCQ on his suggestion (they do close at 21:00). I enjpy the government weed shops here. The strains are consistent & the layout is urified to a minuimm. They say le marché noir est superior, but, they always say that. C$19.90 after tax for an eighth of Afghan Kush works for now.

2025.09.30 @ 18:07 Rought night. More on that later. I'm on a bench now in Parc La-Fontaine enjoying the sunset. It's incredible how humane Montréal is: how I can fill my canteen at this square by my place, how I see so many people of all ages enjoying themselves. So many circles of people—unbroken, not atomized people. In Southern California, this is inconceivable. What public space remains is dystopian or hostile: benches that forbid lying down, no water, sparse shade, vast distances from homes/businesses. I came here looking for a protest but I found tranquility instead. It really is like that scene in Michael Moore's "Sicko," the part where he observes French people relaxing in a park. Everyone's so health, normal, social... a man is noodling on his electric guitar, playing jazz across the pond from me. It's so soothing. This city is more hospitable & inviting then I ever oculd have imagined... I'm in love <3 So many people picnicking with friends & lovers. People relaxing with drinks & smokes without fear of fine or arrest... British, and by extension, US culture is a crime against humanity!

2025.09.03 @ 18:25 I cannot find a protest. I cannot care. Tonight deserves a sumptuous dinner. I have not been able to fain weight! Still under 160 lbs/73 kg! I simply must plump up if I'm going to survive Winter! I've never been thinner in my life :(

2025.09.03 @ 18:32 Watching two squirrels evading/fighting each other high in a massive tree now. I circle the base of the trunk, not allowing either to flee. Fight Fight, yu portly rapscallions! One will win the tree! Mwahaha!

2025.09.03 @ 19:00 Talked more with nonno on the phone, Paolo, too. How I miss them... I'll have to call my mother tonight. Haven't heard her voice since New York City, I think.

2025.09.03 @ 19:09 I'm breaking my rules: Asian fusion (I avoid fusion restaurants), AYC (I avoid buffets as well). MY first instinct was the Indian place I saw, Rendezvous, but it was closed. I returned to Takumi, a place I'd searched just over an hour ago, looking for a quick bite before Parc La-Fontaine. To start, I order the miso soup, seaweed salad, a salmon handroll, salmon & avocado roll, gyoza, beef yakitori, & bean sprouts sautéed with brocolli. I marked "1" for each. I thought the gyoza would be a small plate, but they brought me a single piece of gyoza—ha! It's not bad; everything is better than expected. This is my sumptous feast.

2025.09.03 @ 19:28 A fucking bee! Again! Ah! I must leave the corner street scene I presided over & return to shelter so that I may suffer trendy music & dine in peace. Round two: beef tongue yakitori, grilled salmon, General Tso's chicken (I've never actually had it before), some fried tofu, and a couple grilled zucchini skewers.

2025.09.03 @ 19:37 Wow. The grilled salmon & tongue came as one piece each. Two slices of grilled zucchini. I'm ordering another salmon/avocado roll, more miso soup, seaweed salad, & trying the beef dim sum. I'm approaching fullness, but need to fatten up for the kill. Speaking of which, I saw turkeys for sale in the grocery store already!

2025.09.03 @ 20:14 Last round: wonton soup, green salad (it's sweet with lots of carrots & corn), udon noodles with vegetables, & grilled pineapple for dessert. I told Sabrina about my rough night. Hope we can meet soon.

2025.09.03 @ 20:17 I had too much at STUD last night.

2025.09.03 @ 20:27 The udon is overcooked.

2025.09.03 @ 20:42 It's much busier now. Perhaps that's why they orgot my grilled pineapple. No bother, I'm stuffed. Now to pay & mosey over to Sherbrooke Station...

2025.09.04 @ 10:59 Two African queens waved at me in the street as I relxed in a pink chair, reading my Financial Times, puffing my joint, crossing my legs... I waved back! I think we'd seen each other in the street the other day.

2025.09.04 @ 12:51 Cannot resist the charms of the Jean-Talon Marché! I'm back for another capricciosa :P

2025.09.04 @ 12:57 Kailah's coming this weekend with another suitcase of my life. I can always count on my sister when it matters <3

2025.09.04 @ 13:01 The capricciosa has arrived. They're playing Chumbawumba! I remember being a kid here in 2001 & hearing this.

2025.09.04 @ 13:25 I dicover Cafe Gelati Saint-Laurent. I get a large: pistachio & coffee are my usual. The cute Frenchie behind the counter recommends dark chocolate to complete the triumvirate & it owns. I am rejuvenated :)

2025.09.04 @ 15:02 It's so windy today; I love it!

2025.09.04 @ 21:15 Made myself a magnificent dinner: garlic butter saffron rice with that exquisite afghan saffron & French grey sea salt! Chicken was salted twenty-four hours, so it was very tender. Added black pepper to the butter I fried it in & smothered it in lime/cilantro/cumin spice from Anatol in Petite Italie <3 Zach is playing his harmonica expertly while I eat dates & pistachios for dessert. Life is good.

2025.09.05 @ 10:21 Geting a library card now at what appears to be the Central Library. Good for 6 months, twenty documents at a time.

2025.09.05 @ 13:50 Finally entered emergency contact info in my passport with a pencil & it's my first cousin once removed's info. That's where my life is at while I wait for the library reservation to use the internet.

2025.09.05 @ 18:37 DJ in public is spinning Rau's "Like Yesterday". Ha! Made him look! I IDed it.

2025.09.05 @ 18:49 Found some hussy dolls across from Saloon.

2025.09.05 @ 18:55 Some man just propositioned me on Rue Sainte-Catherine in broad daylight!

2025.09.05 @ 22:32 Waiting at Joliette station, headed back to the village. I could do better! Made myself a thoroughly Italian dinner :)

2025.09.06 @ 00:06 Wow, I guess that old, bold creep was the best I could do :/

2025.09.06 @ 10:45 Oh, sweet Lord! Just what I needed!!! I was walking into the turnstyles at JOliette station when the burliest latin king stopped dead in his tracks on the way out, recognizing me! He was from my touch night! He said two nights ago... titties everywhere or something... Thicc arms, smells like mago & coconut. Gave him my phone number & email. Hope he hits me up & I figure out what the fuck happened! Just my luck! Big, prickly kisses! Rich when I was feeling unlovable!

2025.09.06 @ 10:55 Just ran into Mr. Explosion now, too! He was playing pool with me that night! Gave him my info as well. I don`t think he's into the dolls, bt he's better: he's industry!

2025.09.06 @ 17:13 Excited for my sister! She's arriving in twenty minutes at YUL. I've been lagging all day, though. Haven't even chopped one onion! Told Helena I'd go back to the archives to check my discord messages an hour ago! Nope! I'm making my version of French onion soup: like normal except there's wine & mushrooms involved for my signature savouriness. Is this Franco-Italo fusion? No bother. Like I assumed, people are kinder to me if they detect I don't speak French fluently but I speak to them in Italian. they acquiesce to resorting to grubby ol' English. Honhonhon... a while ago a woman in silver hair said "You're cute!" as we were exiting the dollar store together. I told her my sister from Calofornia was visiting & that I needed this sifter because my damn bread flour was like eight percent chaff! Back to my beloved domestic life. Aww... Zach appears to have just risen. He's gone to shower. Alex is still in his room, as usual. Mr Newcomer is still out since ten this morning, it appears. Love being a domestic doll <3

2025.09.07 @ 10:27 Just caught the transfer to Montmercy. Seeing Rita for the first time since 2009! Then Diane in her cabin in the forest. Kailah visited me last night at 23:30. First time seeing any family since exactly a month prior, when I disembarked on my grand voyage by train (highly recommend it). A month! I haven't traveled solo since 2014, when I studied in London—also for a month! Nice to see you sis, and the suitcase stuffed with more of my wardrobe I couldn't carry across the continent, too! My mother also packed extra things for me <3

2025.09.07 @ 13:23 So, I thought I was lagging this moring! But we had coffee, oranges, plums, & biscotti. Then Kailah & I sat in the swings in Rita's backyard for what must've been the first time in two dozen years! The Rita Trap (<3) is a domino effect of hospitality compounded thusly: you come for fruit & coffee, then after so much pleasant banter, "It's almost time for lunch!" So then you bide your time with a walk to Montréal's oldest church (1625) & the Rivière des Prairies. Lord knows if we finish this pasta, this tagliatella with meatballs, sauce, & ragu, they'll be an invitation to dessert! And then dinner... The trap!

2025.09.07 @ 14:11 No wonder there's no wi-fi! The power went out, ha!

2025.09.07 @ 14:14 And the power's back on :)

/-------------\

|VAL-MORIN, QC|

\-------------/

2025.09.07 @ 16:55 Diane's telling us how she maintains her home while sitting on the big chair on her back porch.

2025.09.07 @ 17:36 The ladies are telling me to explore academic work in the west end of the island. They say there's more opportunity now... Get advice from Uncle Paul about contacts in academia. Look for English schools.

2025.09.07 @ 19:25 These cozy widows rule!

2025.09.07 @ 19:32 Kailah brought me back in the fold: Rita & Diane were the first extended family I saw since starting my transition <3 I didn't have the courage to do it on my own. I went to Lia's & merely left a note in her mailbox. Kailah primed Rita & Ricardo about my situation <3

2025.09.07 @ 19:36 We spent an extra hour; we were getting along so well. Time for a group photo.

/------------\

|MONTRÉAL, QC|

\------------/

2025.09.07 @ 20:57 Rita let me raid her fruit: peaches, pears, & apples.

2025.09.08 @ 09:09 Walked into Tim Horton's for the firs ttime. Didn't understand anything, so I left. I'm reminded of the times and ex-girlfriend dragged me to Starbucks & I couldn't comprehend anything. Way too complex & fast. Too busy. I don't get it.

2025.09.08 @ 10:38 Just walked an hour discovering the library I was relying on is closed on Mondays... Fuck. Walked to McGill to ask where the closest public library was & got vague directions that I tired of following. I give up. I`m going to my neighborhood library back on the east side :(

2025.09.08 @ 16:53 Holy shit, my charms paid off! Zach, the Québecois carpenter who plays a charming harmonica & has the humility to tell me he's crossed Canada twenty-six times as a gypsy, & that he went dumpster diving today for root vegetables (I can't care; the radishes taste good & spicy still!) & that he blew his food money on booze, so he's hungry until Wedneday, just recommended me to the landlord as a maid! Even better, he told me he's not into the dolls, unsolicited-like. Normally that would irk me: someone going out of their way to tell me they're not interested, but this time I appreciated it because we both get drunk & chatty & I wasn't sure if it was because he had some attraction to me. Thank Christ he's not trying to get up my skirt! All my cooking, sharing, clenaing, &c. has paid off in the form of a job offer! The pay is mediocre, but it's survival & a start! Thank God!

2025.09.09 @ 10:06 Buying fancy Kenyan coffee beans, fresh ground for French press now. The woman behind the counter needed her comrade's help transalting. How charming. I love living in the east end. Kenyan beans: C$6.50/100g. The second most ritzy, but I love the flavor of Kenya. The decaf espresso "Swiss water" is the most expensive! C$6.90/100g! She was so sweet, apologizing for her lack of English. I did the same for my lack of French. She trepidly told me that with cash... she motioned to the register disapprovingly. I said "I can make it perfect—exact change." Then she said there would be no receipt. "Who cares?" :)

2025.09.09 @ 10:13 there's the cutest whimpering, white dog in a sweater, restrained with a seatbelt, waiting most impatiently for its master to exit a business. He's whining like a squeak toy, sitting in one of those organizing boxes they sell at Daiso, in a petite wool sweater. So adorable. The master returns from his chore & all is well.

2025.09.09 @ 12:15 So, I'm ecstatic from being offered that cleaning lady gig the same day I planned on applying for welfare. Also, being fed spectacularly by Lia & Alain boosted my mood. Reconnecting with family is great! I feel so cute~<3 Texting Ruby now :)

2025.09.09 @ 14:46 I delight in catching up with my weekend copy (September 6/7) of the FT. Absolutely love to see the hallmark of intelligence evident in the editorial/letters pages; Opposing viewpoints simultaneously in one container:

Stilletos, Like Boned Corsetry, Should Have No Place in the Closet

"I wholeheartedly agree with the comments of your columnist Anna Berkeley in her article about luxury shoes and how they can often be uncomfortable. However I have to take issue with the underlying premise ('Do luxury shoes have to be so uncomfortable?' Life & Arts, August 30).

"I understand the appealing look of a stiletto heel, with a dressy outfit, but I'm disappointed that in 2025 we still feel that it is a necessary 'look'.

"I crammed my feet into the odd pair of stilettos as a young woman, and also heeled shoes which pushed the foot forward to achieve the dress-wearing ideal standard of the '60s and '70s. It didn't do my feet any good. Now considerably older but still passionate about footwear, I am so grateful to the younger generation of women who have made trainers with a dress so commonplace and acceptable. Why indeed has it taken so long? There are not so many pretty & luxurious flat shoes and trainers that I have fully embraced the 'new look'. Gold and silver trainers are readily available and I have them!

"As an ageing bunion sufferer, raised on heel-wearing expectations, it seems to me ridiculous that we put ourselves through this 'vain pain', as did Chinese families with the foot-binding practice inflicted on their young daughters right up until the early 20th century in certain sections of society. It seems barbaric now.

"We've moved on, haven't we? Loose comfortable clothing is celebrated and boned corsetry largely eschewed. So it should be with stilettos, luxurious or not. So let's not see our professional news readers directing our attentions to serious news stories while wearing glamorous, yes, but now outdated, thin-heeled stilettos when you can be sure they turned up to the studio in comfy trainers.

"We women and our comfort are surely worth more than glamour. And are we really doing it for ourselves? I haven't started on that discussion yet!"

—Jane Ridout

London E12, UK

Juxtaposed with:

What Next? Flip-Flops in the Boardroom?

"This is how civilisation ends: not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with 'shorts in the office' (Style, Life & Arts, FT Weekend, August 16).

"The citadel has fallen. Reason is dead. The gods have left us. All is dust.

"The barbarians are not at the gates—they are in HR, in linen drawstrings. What next? Bandannas in accounts? Flip-flops in the boardroom?

"By Christmas, the CEO will be clad in a swimsuit and Bluetooth headset, issuing decrees between cannonballs.

"We will be a destitute people on a desolate planet hurling through a disconsolate universe.

"In shorts."

—Brendan Kelly

Dublin, Ireland

2025.09.09 @ 16:45 Zach came home from the Green Pirate with free food, half for me! I shared my food with him in his time of need: "I spent all my food money on boozy by mistake! I'm gonna be hungry until Wednesday!" He said that. I gave him a rin of smoked oysters, a tin of tuna, half a baguette, two handfuls of Wasa crackers, & recommended me as a cleaning lady to the landlord that same day. Hope that works out! Also, the first week I was here, he came down the hall to the kitchen to say how good it smelled (I made polenta in my homemade chicken broth with blanched spinach & garlic, & spicy Italian sausage ragu). That was his first taste of my cooking, & he said it was "excellent". I take that compliment with pride, coming from a Québecois. He opened up & told me his father was "...a violent man..." who made elaborate dinners served by candlelight, & he'd be abused if he ate one component of the meal too lopsidedly, misconducting the delicate symphony of flavors a chef commands; Don't eat all the potatoes by themselve! It was heartwarming to remind his stomach of good food, but without the abuse. He said I was a roommate with a heart after I shared more with him today after work: a date-pistachio treat I make (also by hand), another tin of tuna, a tin of smoked mussels, & a glass of red wine this time. He returned to his quarters briefly before tenderly asking me moments later, "...Do you still have some weed?" To which I replied, "Of course!" I reached for my first-aid box on the kitchen table, where I was seared, & produced a generous display of nugs & nuggettes. He nearly squealed with delight before clarifying whether the weed was a gift or a loan. I said, cocksurely, that "My sister got me all this weed last night, so it was free. Go ahead, have some :)" He was very pleased. Then he shared with me that "I know someone for this stuff, if you want..." I interrupted, "Good! I have to stop paying government prices!" I forgot to mention earlier that he said "Go to the Green Pirate Thursday. They give away food at 16:00, but you should get there early, probably 15:00. Bring a container in case they're serving hot food." Thanks for the pro-tip, Zach! He split today's take with me: three tomatoes, five bagels, & all the mushrooms & kale (he trusted I would know how to make them tasty, which I do!). Life is good. Montréal rules. He said he has to leave for his current carpenry gig no later than 05:15... I'm going to try to make us bacon, eggs, & pancakes for early breakfast tomorrow. It's nice to be nice <3 Before you judge me for being manipulative, self-interested, or opportunistic, I'll have you know I offered the new guy, the Roman named Francesco, some of my joint the other evening on the balcony & he refused! He took one of my date-pistachio delights today, though, & said it was good. Alex, the mysterious Ukrainian, refused my offering of a snack of bread/cheese/grapes the first week & prefers to be left alone, I gather. Eastern Europeans are not so gregarious, it seems... At least Francesco told me his ambitions to find translation work here with a smaller video game studio on his year-long work holiday visa.

2025.09.09 @ 21:01 Ah. Now to relax after a long day of cooking & eating :) My sister is relaying a pancake batter recipe to me. I must go to le dépanneur for baking powder... I feel selfihs. I need all my bacon, eggs, & pancakes to my plumping up self. Oof. Ate a whole baguette & a good amount fo gouda with a generous portion of Canadian blue grapes. Om nom nom~ Now it's time to take a brief respite before fetching yet another ingredient for my belly.

2025.09.09 @ 22:38 Walked to le dépanneur across from me. "Back in 5 Minutes," read the sign. I'm restless. That vicious psychomotor agitation... Impulsively jaunted to the far one, past Davidson! No baking pwder—drats! I mull over the inventory & get a two liter of Pepsi for C$3.60, walk back to my dépanneur to discover yet another proprietor bereft of baking powder—double drats! On another subject entirely, I woke up this morning somewhat stiff for the first time in a long time. Half-consciously, I went at it & to my surprise by the time I was fully alert (upstairs & down) just moments later, I had my first orgasm since I could remember. Must be at least thirty-three days. Definitely longer. It was a weak one, but still. Funny how that didn't happen until I felt safe, connected to others, & well fed. In short, taken care of <3 Womanhood is wacky, yo. Helena hounded me in that park, asking "Did your libido drop yet?" "No! It just... shifted!" Looking at porn was replaced with fantasizing about cuddles & massaging myself until falling asleep. For real, I crave touch daily but had little luck since late July (and not much before then, either). Only met one person on my voyage who was brave enough to suffer my energy <3 The lezzies I met two weeks back here have yet to lay hands on me, bt we've been chatting. My only ménage-à-trois was a gay one ten years ago & I fell asleep moments into it! Wonder if a lezzy one would keep me up.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

LAST UPDATED: 2025.09.14 @ 12:13

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>